There’s no crying in soccer

by Cheryl, posted on September 26th, 2010 in Parenting

Four and five year-olds playing soccer is supposed to all be about fun, right?

They wear ribbons in their hair and have team names like Pink Ponies and Buttercups. They travel in clumps and kick at each other and are most excited about the post-game snack. Nobody wins or loses or keeps track of the goals (except the kids and the parents, of course).

Sage has had a great time so far. The other girls on the team seem to enjoy it, too. No one stands around picking grass or whining or whatever. They all want to play.

Today’s opponent was the Purple Unicorns. Before the game, I overheard their coach, who is the mom of a girl on the team, telling our coach that her daughter scored five goals the first game and one – for the other team – last week.

In fairness, maybe I missed something else in the convo – perhaps about the girl’s delicate composition.

Because this coach? Held her daughter’s hand for much of the game. Mostly because the girl kept crying.

And why was she crying, you ask? Apparently she didn’t like that our team kept scoring, and that she didn’t get a chance to even touch the ball, as one of her teammates was a pretty good player and scored a couple goals herself.

So she’s whimpering and carrying on and Sage’s team stops and looks at her, no doubt wondering what was going on and whether possibly they should also be crying.

As were all of us.

At one point, it appeared our team was asked to basically stand around while this child is given the ball and she gets to SCORE! And she was SO HAPPY!

Until play resumes and Sage’s team scored AGAIN. And to add insult to injury, she tripped and fell to the ground.

Sob sob sob.

Hugs from mom.

And blogosphere, I totally get that they’re little kids and some aren’t really ready to be out there. That it’s all about learning and having a good time and building confidence – and watching the other team score really sucks.

However.

By allowing her to “score” a goal, what was the lesson? That if she cries she will get what she wants and the other kids have to watch it happen? This girl was NOT handicapped or small. She was not the only player who didn’t score. What message did it send to her – and the other players?

It’s not okay to stand on the field and sob and hold Mommy’s hand for an entire game. She should’ve sat out until she could get a grip on herself. Her mother is either incredibly patient or perhaps may need to be a teensy bit more firm. Or I could see maybe the mom felt, as the coach, she couldn’t make her daughter sit and still be on the field coaching the team. I have no idea whether the girl’s father was there.

I really don’t like to judge other parents (well, I mean, at least not out loud) so I’m hoping that there was something else going on with the child to explain this. Because I can tell you for sure if Sage was behaving that way? Her butt would be on the sidelines and she’d have to sit there and watch.

And I would never ask other players to be less so my child could be more.

When Sage went down with a couple minutes left in the game and started crying and the coach sent her over to me, I told her to stop crying, take a drink of water and get back out there – and she did.

Both of us were very proud.

What say you? Am I heartless that this whole thing annoyed me? Love, Hardass Soccer Mom.

Tags: get out there and play, no crying, purple unicorns, soccer

Comments

41 Responses to “There’s no crying in soccer”

Varda (SquashedMom) Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 7:48 am

Well, IMHO, you were spot on. This kid is headed for trouble and the mom is setting her up. Hug your kids when they are crying, yes, but from the sidelines. And please help her learn to be a team player NOT by making the team kowtow to her “need” to score a goal. This is beyond helicopter parenting, to… I don’t even have an appropriate metaphor for it, it borders on insane. If this kid trips on the sidewalk does the Mom go up to the house and demand that the owner dig it up there and then, and pour a fresh one without any cracks so little Suzie can re-live the experience without the trauma?

And I have kids with “invisible’ special needs (autism & ADD), so I understand that parents can do things that seem like “coddling” to the outside world but are absolutely necessary to a child’s or family’s mental health and stability. But if that is the case, if this kid is “on the spectrum” or otherwise more easily un-hinged than “typical” kids, you tell people that, let them know that this is a special circumstance and you are asking for their help and not just out-of-control indulgence. Just my 2 cents here ma’am.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Wordless Wednesday- Ethan Gets his Day

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 10:47 am
That’s why I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, like maybe there was something going on with her. And thanks to you and Cheryl from Little Bit Quirky) I really am more sensitive to “invisible” stuff. And maybe she did tell the coach that in the convo I only heard a snippet of.

But yeah, otherwise? Helicopter is putting it mildly!

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TheKitchenWitch Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 10:14 am

One word for that mommy: Enabler.

If your child is of such delicate constitution, put her in art classes. She’ll probably be brilliant, given that kind of sensitivity. It just seems cruel to have her in team sports if she unravels like that.

But that mama isn’t helping matters.

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Miranda Makes Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
I don’t agree that this attitude would be beneficial in art classes either…

Also, I resent just a bit the implication that artists are a bunch of cry babies.
Miranda Makes recently posted..this moment

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Yourstruly Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Ouch @TheKitchenWitch

Nah, don’t stick her in art classes either. I’d hate to hear her cry when she can’t color inside the lines like Suzie can.

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Cheryl D. Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 11:41 am

You’re absolutely right! No doubt! However, my daughter was often the kid crying out on the soccer field. She was generally good about crying for “good” reasons. Like the time a soccer ball hit her right in the face. That didn’t cause her to cry, but the fact that the boy who was the one that kicked it started laughing at her–was what caused her to cry. I usually try to get my daughter to fight her own battles, but that one pissed me off pretty big and told the boy a view choice words about having empathy.

There was also once time where our kids played a team that was older, bigger, faster. It was sad. They didn’t stand a chance! They let our little guys score a “goal” at the end, just to help them feel better (an end score of 20 to 0 had to hurt). The pity goal didn’t really help the kids feel better. But what I told my daughter was that they were generally the bigger, faster, older team, so this was a good lesson in humility. They were stuck playing that other team a lot. By the end of the season, they actually played pretty well against them!

I think I’ve been rambling and lost my point. Well, you’re right. As a mom to a girl with autism, I do cut the other mom some slack because you don’t know the issues she’s dealing with. However, even so, her approach wasn’t a good one.
Cheryl D. recently posted..Autisms Impact on Marriage and Work

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Thanks for you input! All the girls are the same age; it’s U-5 so they have to turn 5 by July 31st, 2011. Sage is one of the older kids b/c she missed the cutoff last year.

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Jen Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 12:11 pm

I’m not sure I get the whole sports and arts are mutually exclusive idea. Or that artists are brilliant sensitive souls and athletes aren’t. But I s’pose that’s a debate for another day…

I’ll say this, four and five year olds still cry. They’re four and five and don’t have a lot of techniques for dealing with frustration yet. It’s what you get. Plus, losing gracefully isn’t something most adults even know how to do.

But I do get the point about the mom. Assuming the girl *is* typically developing, then yes, you’ve just taught your daughter the power of crying. That’s not a lesson most of us hope to teach our kids.

But behaviorism isn’t something everyone studies so I’ll go with this: the mom probably isn’t even aware of what she’s teaching by asking everyone to stop the game so her daughter can score a goal.

I’d be interested to see if the coach would stop the game if it were another child crying.
Jen recently posted..Storytellers Week- Me’ Story

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Oooh…good point, Jen! Maybe I’ll have Sage stand on the field and sob next time we play them, just to see.

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Aliza Reply:
September 29th, 2010 at 10:29 am
Ditto EVERYTHING Jen said.

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Ciaran/Momfluential Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 12:17 pm

My experience with soccer in south county was very different. We pulled both girls out after a season where the cops were called not once, but FOUR times. Once for a parent publically berating his daughter for being such a crappy goalie and once for the coach coming to blows with a ref. I’ve come to the conclusion that in south county both parents AND kids behave badly on the field and the end result was that my kids had no fun. I cannot imagine trying to navigate this minefield with a child that had any sort of issues at all. I’m still recovering from the trauma of two short soccer seasons myself
Ciaran/Momfluential recently posted..Date Night- The Mama Dramas Grown up Content

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
We haven’t seen that kind of behavior – yet. Then again, we’re only up to U-7. We’ll see what happens when the games actually get competitive.

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Bittrbetty Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 1:38 pm

I agree with you Cheryl. The coach, mom, coach mom, isn’t doing her child any favors in life! If it were me I would have done exactly what you did with your daughter.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 3:52 pm
Oh good. It’s good to know I’m not alone!

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Sherri Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Dear Hardass Soccer Mom,
You are right, right, right! I’m amazed at this, really. My daughter has played regular-old rec soccer for 8 seasons now and I’ve never seen anything like what you described. Whiney, cry-babies who don’t really WANT to play? You bet. But this just sounds like a little girl who is praised and help up on a pedestal and hasn’t been given the opportunity to FAIL. And get back up, dust herself off, maybe laugh a bit and MOVE ON. Try again.
You are right on the money with your approach; I could sit and be a soccer mom with you. I’ll bring the Starbucks.
Sherri recently posted..Is this Victorias Secret Shhhh

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Only if it’s iced – it was 97 degrees at game-time yesterday! And believe me, all the moms on my team were in agreement about not allowing our girls to carry on like that on the field.

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Booyah's Momma Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Wow… interesting! My initial reaction to this was the same as yours. Also, it’s kind of an interesting approach for the coach/mom to take with a team sport like soccer… what kind of message about teamwork does this send to the other players when it appears to be all about me, me, me?
Booyah’s Momma recently posted..Just call me Gimpy

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Yeah, the whole thing was really odd. When my kids complain about the other team scoring a lot, I tell them to work harder, run faster. I don’t expect them to be accommodated by the other team, you know?

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Andrea Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:38 pm

I love your statement: “I would never ask other players to be less so my child could be more.” That’s a lesson that will carry Sage far in life…and the other child – poor girl – she’s getting a message that her Mommy can make it alright, and that Mommy WILL make it alright if she cries. I don’t want to see her in 15 years.
Andrea recently posted..Want To Find Something To Do With Your Kids Try Reading a Blog or a Local Website!

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 5:41 pm
I cling to the hope it was a special circumstance or that something is up with the girl. Otherwise, her mother is not doing her any favors.

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Renee Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Sadly, it seems as if a lot if parents and others are busy teaching children that they are all entitled to succeed. Success should not be an entitlement, it should be earned. If a child doesn’t learn failure, where will they be as adults? I employ many of these children when they become teenagers and young adults. They’ve not been taught work ethic or personal responsibilty. They’ve been taught that “ok” is acceptable and if things aren’t going their way someone will fix it for them.

I know this is a little beyond what you’re saying, but it seems that mom is setting her child up for just this future.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I know. That’s what’s so scary, you know? I honestly don’t think 5 is too young to learn.

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Paula@Simply Sandwich Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 6:56 pm

I have seen this time and time again in our 12 years of soccer. It is a real shame and is doing a dis-service to the child’s developemnt.

It also extends beyond soccer. In our school, everyone gets a “Student of the Month” award at least once during the year. The kids pretty much all know they are going to get it so they really don’t even have to try anymore. Then when they hit middle school and see the awards are not handed out like candy, they are crushed.

I am hoping your sitch was a “special circumstance” and not the standard. At the very least it is a good “life lesson” example you can use to show your daughter what effort and sportsmanship are supposed to look like.
Paula@Simply Sandwich recently posted..Sunday Simple

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Cheryl Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 7:22 pm
To be honest, I’m not sure my daughter was even all that aware of what was happening with the other girl, other then the crying. And I try to focus on what she is doing rather than the other kids on the field. But still. Ugh.

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Alexandra Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 9:13 pm

When I see this kind of thing happen…what looks like crazy to me…I think to myself, “that parent just doesn’t know.”

Seriously, if they knew, they wouldn’t do it. Sometimes, people think they’re doing the right thing just to rein in a situation, they get desperate and want a quick fix, so that everyone can move on.

They worry about the public embarassment and call of attention, so they think, “quick..what can I do to get this kid to shuttup.”

Not smart, I know, but not everyone has the experience to think on their feet.

That’s what I think.

And, we have neighbors like that, and they parent like that, and I just think to myself, “wow…you have NO idea, do you?”
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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:24 am
You know, I know I don’t know much. But man, she really didn’t know much either, did she?

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liz Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 9:31 pm

that is ridiculous, cheryl! shame on that mom! coddling your kid is doing a disservice to them. she is not preparing her for life by going to these extreme measures of making her daughter happy.
liz recently posted..Word Up- YO!- Edition 16

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:24 am
That’s what I thought, too.

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Elissa Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 9:46 pm

And let me tell you…this is just the tip of the iceberg. First, it’s the parent protecting the child, then it becomes the parent telling the coach she/he’s out of his mind cuz the kid isn’t playing enough…then it becomes parent vs parent..and the real sniping begins.

My DD10 used to dance competitively and we got out just before it got very nasty. Plus, as a Canadian…I’m sure nothing compares to the ultimate sport parent stereotype – otherwise known as The Hockey Parent.

Whether it’s tutus, cleats or hockey sticks, parents play a huge part in the success or failure of their child’s sport experience.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:25 am
Absolutely. When I used to cover high school sports I saw some pretty disturbing stuff – from the parents.

Also, I think we need a death match btwn hockey moms and Little League moms!

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MommaKiss Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 10:00 pm

I think it’s absolutely bullcrap. On a cracker. The kid crying and being allowed to score is only setting her up for future failure. Either in 1st grade, 10th grade or in the working world. We all learned young if you want to Win or Score, you work hard at it. You don’t get to be given an empty net.

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Kirsten Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 11:11 pm
I think everyone has made excellent points, so will add nothing further, except of course to agree with everyone that the mom was acting a little nutty. But I have to just say to Momma Kiss, my vocabulary has been stretched for the better with the new addition of “bullcrap on a cracker.” AWESOME.
Kirsten recently posted..Where Im From

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:25 am
Ha! Bullcrap on a cracker! I think you summed it up perfectly!

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mommakiss Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:43 pm
MommaKiss: Expanding vocabularies the world ’round!
heh.
mommakiss recently posted..I have hope

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joann Says:
September 26th, 2010 at 11:28 pm

okays so I didn’t have enough time to read what everyone else said, but THAT is nutters.
That child is headed for therapy by next season.
I’ve been reading Peter Pan (bear with me) written for children in the early 1900′s and it deals with the transience of life, and the first page made me cry, and I have to think that children need to know. They need to know that life is hard, and you might die and you WILL get old and you probably wont be a soccer star. Somewhere in the last century we lost that.
Also, I can’t get over the fact that the book mentions a fairy orgy. It actually says, “orgy”.
Me and my prudish ways I guess…but it was a book for CHILDREN!
See? We are so sheltered now.
joann recently posted..The Detour

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:28 am
I watched Peter Pan with the kids for the first time a year or so ago and I couldn’t believe how racist it was – something I never noticed when I was a kid! Also Tinkerbelle is diabolical.

Did I mention I’m SO glad you’re back?? xo

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joann Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
aw thanks. And since I’ve been back you’ve been behaving yourself so well, not a single peep from the vibrator section

Uh, yes it was racist, the book is way crazier than the movie…Tinkerbell is way worse and there’s a lot of adult themes in it…for children today at least.

I take it with a grain of salt because back then people were comfortable with their prejudice…and I didn’t notice it as a kid. Thankfully the original play does not have that Red Man song.
joann recently posted..The Detour

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Oh, that vibrator won’t be in the nightstand drawer for long, sister..

I totally didn’t notice that stuff as a child. But now I’m appalled!
mommakiss Says:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:46 pm

re: the children’s stories – someone told me about studying disney stories. They almost always have a scenario that depicts a child’s fear: The Lion King – dad dies. Snow White – evil step mother. Cinderella – mom died, evil sisters. There’s so much underlying the ‘happy colors and songs.’ Not to mention, Pinocchio? The awful words and situations in that movie? My kids were all saucer-eyed watching it!
mommakiss recently posted..I have hope

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joann Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
I took a class on children’s literature and the original fairy tales are all awful. There’s a lot of violence and torture and starvation and such. It seems like these were realities for many children back then and facing them in story form helped them cope with life…today we might just skip that horror and start by dealing with reality on the soccer field. Geesh.
joann recently posted..The Detour

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Cheryl Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 5:11 pm
I know! Someone always dies. But look at Disney! Nemo? Up? Ack!

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