Taking care of bidness

by Cheryl, posted on August 30th, 2010 in Uncategorized

I had just walked in the door from running an errand and heard Sage sobbing in David’s office.

I thought maybe Sawyer had slugged her or she’d fallen off a chair or maybe Big Time Rush was a rerun.

So I ran in there to ask what was wrong. She could barely speak.

“Sagie-girl, what is it?”

“I DON’T WANT TO WIPE MY BUTT EVERY DAY!” she cried.

Wha?

“Why, does it hurt?” I asked. She’d been sick this past week and I thought maybe all the wiping had irritated her skin.

But no.

“Because I’m too tired,” she said. “I want somebody else to wipe my butt for me. I don’t want to always have to do it EVERY DAY!”

I explained that she was almost five years old, and that wiping one’s own butt is something that one must do.

And then I couldn’t believe I was having this convo with my child. I mean, have you ever pooped and thought, wow, I’m exhausted, it’d be so nice if someone could come in and wield the Charmin on my ass?

I think not.

Because I know from tired. I’ve birthed three children. Survived the newborn stage by sleeping in 40-minute spurts – and then got up to care for a two year-old all day. Pounded out miles upon miles training for – and running – two marathons. I’ve traveled the country from time zone to time zone and back again, and twice have worked about 45 days in a row.

So, yeah, I get exhaustion. But not once did I wish my derriere would wipe itself. Not once.

Of course, now I have to wonder if my daughter is on to something. How much of my life have I spent engaged in wiping? Not counting poop removal of my kids (including having two in diapers for over a year).

It’s time I’ll never get back.

Actually? I don’t want it back. I have a nice clean butt. It was time well-spent.

Someday, I just know Sage will agree.

Comments

42 Responses to “Taking care of bidness”

cristina Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 6:23 am

“I want somebody else to wipe my butt for me. I don’t want to always have to do it EVERY DAY!” I am cracking up… your daughter is one smart cookie!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:49 am
She’s on lazy cookie, too! lol

[Reply]
Helena Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:47 am

This is such a funny post. I was wiping tears from my eyes!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:49 am
She is quite the comedian!

[Reply]
TheKitchenWitch Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 10:58 am

I refer to the butt-wiping years with my children as The Lost Decade. Seriously. I mean, who spends ten whole years wiping asses? It sucks.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:50 am
omg – YES! The lost decade! I’ll probably be closing in 10 years when the baby is potty trained!

[Reply]
Cheryl D. Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:35 am

You HOPE she’ll agree, anyway! My daughter whines about being too tired to brush her teeth. I assure her it’s time well-spent!
Cheryl D. recently posted..Painful Constipation

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:50 am
Oh, she doesn’t want to brush her teeth either!

[Reply]
Claudia Towles Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:43 am

This is way too funny!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Thanks! I still can’t believe I actually posted about this! LOL

[Reply]
Jill Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 12:59 pm

OMGosh! This is great! I am constantly amazed at the things I have to say out loud to my kids… even my 9 yo who gets straight A’s. Maybe one day I’ll yell out, “I’m ready to wipe!” like my 4 yo does.
Jill recently posted..Say Cheese!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
I don’t really want to think about the day when I might need some help in that area!

[Reply]
liz Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 1:11 pm

about 4 months ago, kate hit that point, too. i don’t know that i held back my laughter when she started complaining. if only she could grasp how many times she’ll be doing that in life…
liz recently posted..What&8217s in a Name

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
I’m wondering if Sage actually DID grasp it. Maybe she was imagining a lifetime of butt-wiping and just got overwhelmed.

[Reply]
Kirsten Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 1:42 pm

This is hysterical – and me, I’m so tired I’m just shaking my head instead of working up the energy to laugh. Did you laugh in her face or pretend to take her exhaustion seriously?

I have to say this unique source of exhaustion has been the rare exception on our house’s List of Childhood Complaints. I guess I’m waiting on the day.
Kirsten recently posted..The Affair

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:57 pm
There’s still time. There’s still time.

[Reply]
Aging Mommy Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 1:47 pm

I would never want someone to ever wipe by butt for me but I am very glad my days of wiping other butts are finally over How hilarious, your daughter is going to be a challenge for some guy some day. Takes the phrase kiss my ass to a whole new level if you start saying wipe my butt instead!
Aging Mommy recently posted..You Capture Outside- At The Beach

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
I don’t mind the occasional assist if it’s particularly messy, but mostly she can do it just fine by herself!

[Reply]
KLZ Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Well, I wouldn’t mind if my butt would wipe itself. But I would not appreciate anyone wiping it for me. That’s the kind of thing a butler just should not be doing.
KLZ recently posted..Mishap Week- Locked Out

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
Yeah. Some things you just have to do yourself, you know?

[Reply]
Tooje Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 1:59 pm

This is great!! I had my little one, now 6, ask me to wipe his about a year, year and a half ago. He said he didn’t feel like doing it. I said, sorry bud….it’s all yours.
Tooje recently posted..Your Daily Tidbit – 8-30

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Boys would have us wipe their butts til the end of time if we’d go along with it.

[Reply]
Adrienne Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 3:29 pm

So funny! You need the same thing in your house that I need: a Japanese toilet that cleans everything, no effort required.

Until then? TP for everyone!
Adrienne recently posted..Smells Like Hope

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Yes! TP all around!

[Reply]
Stacey @ Entropified Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:26 pm

You are wonderfully funny.
Stacey @ Entropified recently posted..Alpha Omega

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Aw, thanks!

[Reply]
Glamamom Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:39 pm

That is absolutely hilarious! I’ve heard that a lot of kids go through a stage where they don’t want to wipe. You’ll have to remind her of it one day
Glamamom recently posted..I’M A FINALIST IN SPIEGEL CATALOG’S REALITY DRESSING CONTEST!!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Oh, I’ve got LOTS of stuff I’ll remind her about when she’s older. That’s why I blog – so I can remember all this! lol

[Reply]
Sunday Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 4:42 pm

You are one funny lady! I have to admit that I have never wanted someone else to wipe my butt.
This post reminds me of that movie “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy where he plays a royal prince with a throng of caretakers who deal with his every need. In the movie they all announce, “The royal teeth are clean”, “The Royal body is clean”, and then when he goes into the throne room (HA!) they clap their hands and yell out “WIPERS!”
Sunday recently posted..Our family and Autism

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
That would be her dream come true!!

[Reply]
Jessica Anne Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Ha ha! I thought mine was the only one. It’s just too funny. I tell mine she has to do it to go to Kindergarten. She’s very focused on that even though it’s a year away. Then she does it with gusto.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 10:51 pm
I don’t think she’d be impressed. She’d say “I just won’t poop there.”

[Reply]
Jen Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 9:23 pm

I wipe butts, among other things, for a living. I refuse to do it at home.

My kids have learned this from a very young age.
Jen recently posted..“Papa- Look! What is That and That and That”

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
You are a wise, wise woman.

[Reply]
Cyrene @ Mum In FlipFlops Says:
August 30th, 2010 at 11:49 pm

Hilarious!! I kept laughing and laughing and then my Little Miss started to imitate me!

I’d be so glad when she can wipe her own butt – but then I realize my husband and I have talked about having another kid in 4 years. Ugh.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:28 am
HA! Yeah. The butt-wiping seems to never end!

[Reply]
Keia Says:
August 31st, 2010 at 11:23 am

Haaa! That was awesome! I can’t even imagine my son saying that or could I? Goodness the thought.

Anyway, I’m with you…I am now wondering how much of my life i have spent engaged in wiping my sons butt, my butt, God kids butts, relatives butts, etc? It’s definitely time we’ll never get back!
Keia recently posted..i adore

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:29 am
Really, we should get compensated for the butt wiping – more than just the satisfaction of a job well done!

[Reply]
Janine Says:
August 31st, 2010 at 3:27 pm

OMG! HILARIOUS!!! That Sagie-girl is a funny one!! This sounds exactly like something Jack would say. Exactly. UGH.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 12:30 am
Ugh is right…and you still have two girls who will be almost 5 before you know it!

[Reply]
googiemomma Says:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:57 am

lol. literally, LOL. good thing i didn’t have coffee in my mouth, because i would have spit it all over my computer. at least your 5 y.o. laments having to wipe…my 5 y.o. just forgoes it altogether. until i smell, uhh, sense it. she just “doesn’t feel like it”, in her words. i guess it’s an epidemic amongst the 5 year old set.
googiemomma recently posted..toy story 35

[Reply]
Rudri Says:
September 7th, 2010 at 5:04 pm

So funny! The things they say crack me up.
Rudri recently posted..Grateful

[Reply]