Sinken and Sanken and Sunk – at 40

by , posted on December 14th, 2011 in guest poster

You all know my love for Julie Gardner. As wonderful as she seems on the internet, I can assure you, it pales in comparison by how truly lovely she is in person. I am incredibly proud to call her my friend and am thrilled she’s sharing a moment from her life at 40.

Sinking and Sanken and Sunk

“I want to run a marathon.”

I said this to my husband Bill over a couple of margaritas in the bar of a local Mexican food restaurant. It was September 21st, 2008; and I was turning 40 in less than two weeks.

Bill smiled at me — I’m sure it was a gesture of admiration and not a smirk of disbelief — as I laid out the bare bones of my idea.

“So my birthday’s coming,” I said, although he hardly needed reminding. His 40th wasn’t until the following April and he’d been acting pretty smug. As if it were some grand achievement to be born five months after I’d already entered this way-too competitive world.

“Anyway,” I continued, “I’d hoped to hit this decade in the best shape of my life. But clearly that ship has sailed.”

Or — as my daughter had recently said in response to my coy admission that perhaps the boat of my youth had left the dock — “Mommy, that ship has sanken!”

“Still,” I said, “I want to do something BIG this year. And as a gift to myself, I figured why not run a marathon?”

Why not?

Perhaps because I had bad knees; or because I’d taken a leave of absence from teaching to write a novel not to run; or because Carlos was delivering another round of margaritas (with salt) and sodium’s not conducive to training.

But Bill didn’t offer any of these arguments. He just kept smiling and nodding.

(I don’t want to give anyone the impression that he’s brainless. In fact, he’s smarter than I am in almost everything besides poetry explication. However, he’d learned that trying to float a word into the hurricane of our one-sided conversations was wasted energy.)

“But here’s the thing,” I whispered, in case Carlos was eavesdropping. “I want it to be a secret.”

I then explained — in greater detail than any man should be expected to tolerate while enjoying chips and salsa — that I wanted to spend the next five months preparing to run 26.2 miles while writing about these travails in what would hopefully be a publishable account of my midlife marathon.


I wasn’t going to tell anyone. About the race or the book. Because, you know. Everyone loves surprises!

(And also I could quit without anyone knowing I’d sanken.)

I admitted to an obstacle or two, then suggested how I’d hurdle every one. In fact, I didn’t stop blathering until Bill stopped nodding. Then, as my husband drained his glass, I prepared to address his reasons against such lunacy; hindrances I’d not yet considered.

He looked me in the eye, waiting to see if I was actually done talking. Which I was.

That’s when he said, “Go for it.” To me, to Carlos, to everyone.

Oh crap! I thought. Is it too soon to quit?

But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I can’t.

Not while my children are watching, deciding what it means to have a goal. Not while my husband’s cheering me on as I chase down every last one of my dreams.

So I write and run; I sink and swim. I fail more often than I succeed. But in the effort is inherent success. And to me turning 40 brought with it an incentive; a motivation to make the most of the rest of my life.

Sure, I’d love to sign a book contract or run another marathon. I could update my Bucket List of wishes I hope to someday make true. But the freedom to try is by far the best gift.

And it’s one I’ve already received.

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61 Responses to “Sinken and Sanken and Sunk – at 40”

  1. Cameron Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Man, I admire the bejeezus out of Julie. She’s got to stop being so awesome.

    Or not.
    Cameron recently posted..The Small Boy’s Gingerbread Cottage, 2011


    julie gardner Reply:

    Cameron -

    I’m just trying to drag the rest of you young folk down the path to 40.

    (come this way…it’s not scary…I’ll be waiting…)

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  2. julie gardner Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 11:14 am


    Thanks – my beautiful friend – for having me here today; and for having me write about 40.

    Because every once in a while (or often, if you’re named Julie) you need to re-examine your goals, refresh your inspirations and remember what it is you think you’re doing in the first place.


    I’m not sure that made sense. But. I’m getting older, so.

    I love you, lady. SO glad we’re In Real Life friends, and I can’t wait to celebrate your birthday with you in person.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


    Cheryl Reply:

    Much love to you. Also, I’d better get to hug your face soon! xoxo


    julie gardner Reply:

    YES! Are you around much over the holidays?

    I know it’s a crazy time (and that your ACTUAL birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks…)

    But thankfully we’re not too far away to work it out.
    On a moment’s notice, even.

    I could go for another day of shopping and chicken mole and you. Any day.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  3. Bridget Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    You’re my hero for sharing your secret dream.

    I have one too. But I’ll never tell, I guess that forces you to do it? Scary…
    Bridget recently posted..WTF Wednesday


    julie gardner Reply:

    Bridget -

    I think there was definitely a part of me that kept the marathon a secret so I wouldn’t disappoint anyone else or myself if I couldn’t follow through.

    Also, I wanted to challenge myself because I used to be terrible at keeping “good” secrets. (Not something serious. Those I could always be trusted with.)

    I didn’t tell a single person and THAT was almost as big an accomplishment as 26.2 miles.

    Anyway, I hope you do go for your secret dream.
    (And you don’t even have to tell me about it…)

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  4. Pamela Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Welcome to the decade. It’s my favorite yet. Teens? Drama. 20′s? Angst. 30′s? Just hitting my groove. 40′s? Between all the hormones I ingest and not giving a shit about wrinkles, I love it. Enjoy!!!
    Pamela recently posted..A Book GIVEAWAY (Woot!), JIT for the Holidays


    julie gardner Reply:


    This decade is definitely my favorite so far…
    And I’ve still got seven more years of good stuff to accumulate.

    Which kind of makes me tired to think about. Better go take a nap.

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  5. Aidan Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    I’m right there with ya and find that after the initial shock of the number and my imagined (I hope) immediate ‘sanken’ ass, I think this will be my decade. More power to us!


    julie gardner Reply:


    There is some initial shock, huh? I remember walking in the door and seeing the posters my kids made saying 40 40 40 all over them.

    And I thought, who the hell is 40 around here?

    Three years later, I’m adjusted.
    But the 50 posters are still hard to picture.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  6. Doni Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Run, running, runned. You can do it!!!! Join a group, read training books, do whatever you need to do. But find a marathon and COMMIT! Pay for it. Plan for it. I’d suggest Jeff Galloway’s training for your first. You’ll only get enthusiasm and support from me. I ran my first marathon at 40. I’m training for my 4th.


    Cheryl Reply:

    She’s actually already done it – it was a few years ago – and she’s FAST!! Congrats on your marathons!


    Doni Reply:

    pffft. Well, now don’t I look a bit silly (but still enthusiastic). :) Oh well, so glad she reached her goal!


    julie gardner Reply:

    You don’t look silly at ALL! In fact, I need some new motivation because I’ve been slacking lately.

    Big time.

    So glad to hear the love of running in your words…
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.

  7. Tonya Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Oh geez…now you’ve set the bar way too damn high Julie.

    I’m turning 40 in a year and a half and thought that at 40 I just get to curse a lot, drink whenever I want, and wave lawn instruments at passing children while slurring “get the hell outta my lawn you lil’ bastards!” Also, I live in an apartment in Brooklyn so that might be a little awkward but, hey, a girl’s gotta dream.

    Happy Birthday, Cheryl. Hope you have a great day and get to chase away a lot of children.
    Tonya recently posted..I Have Found The Vortex of Evil and It Smells A Lot Like Gingerbread.


    julie gardner Reply:


    You just described my most effective training days. When I really mean business, I turn on the hose, too.

    Cheers to the children of Brooklyn in one and a half years.

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  8. Missy | Literal Mom Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Any friend of Julie’s is a friend of mine – Happy Birthday, Cheryl!

    And I’m finding with this whole 40 thing . . . wait for it . . . some clarity. I thought I’d be bereft, but actually no. I know what I want. I know when I want to do it by. And the clarity has come all in the last 6-8 months.

    Which makes me happy. Clarity makes me happy.

    Great post, Julie!
    Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Dinner, Dessert, Friends = Fabulous


    julie gardner Reply:


    I picture you perpetually clear (but then again, I’ve only known you in our forties).

    I know nobody can embrace clarity all the time, but what I love about you is your purposefulness. (That word’s a mouthful but I think it says it all.)

    Cheers to this decade and to all of us!
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  9. angela Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 3:52 pm

    Julie, you make me want to be 40. (Actually both of you make 40 look so fabulous that I’d be foolish not to feel like that.)

    Bill is a wise man. As is Carlos.

    Bring on the margaritas…I mean the marathon…I mean the book…


    julie gardner Reply:

    How do you feel about 43, Angela?

    It’s definitely cause for a second round of margaritas and marathons and manuscripts.

    Oh my. ;-)
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  10. Suniverse Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    LOVE Julie and her wisdom.

    LOVE being over 40, because the pressure is off – I am who I am and who cares, otherwise?

    LOVE that you’re turning such a great age.

    HATE that I have to pee ALL THE TIME.
    Suniverse recently posted..Tra la la fucking la


    julie gardner Reply:


    Oh the peeing. Make it stop! Or at least pause it until I reach the bathroom.


    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  11. Nancy C Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I loved my thirties so much more than my twenties. I was more confident in my skin, in better shape. I laughed more, noticed more, worried less.

    And when I hit 40, I hope I cringe at my thirties.

    I think part of this is your husband. He seems like such a good guy. And never underestimate the power of margaritas.
    Nancy C recently posted..Cleaning House


    julie gardner Reply:


    You’re absolutely right on all counts.

    Bill is amazingly supportive of everything I want to try.

    And I would NEVER go back to my thirties.
    Or turn down a margarita.

    Oh yeah.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  12. Jennifer Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Julie is proof that women are even more amazing as they get older. Beautiful, funny, well-read, great mom…all while adhering to a loose schedule of personal hygiene. I give her mad props.
    Jennifer recently posted..You Regret The Vasectomy


    julie gardner Reply:

    I seriously love the way you wove my loose schedule of personal hygiene into this comment.

    By the way, I didn’t brush my teeth until 2 o’clock today.
    True story.

    Thanks for the mad props, my fabulous friend.
    SO much.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  13. Alison@Mama Wants This Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    I’m planning to run a marathon in 2013, about a year after I give birth to this gestating baby.

    I’ll be nearly 37 then. In part, this lunacy is inspired by you. But the book, I don’t think I can write. At least with a marathon, once it’s run, it’s ran.

    You can totally take mile 25 when I hit it.
    Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Therapy


    julie gardner Reply:

    DO IT, Alison (the marathon. Then the book if you’re still looking for a challenge).

    Seriously, I cried when I crossed the finish line I was so DANG happy.

    And that post-race soup they were serving? Made running the whole thing in the rain totally worth it.


    (I know. There was SOUP!)

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  14. chickens consigliere Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Hi Cheryl, I’m Chicken. I’m here by way of Julie, by way of Flying Chalupa, who featured Tonya on her blog today. I know. TMI. I plan to recover from that in my 50′s.

    So Julie said it was your birthday and suggested that we stop by. I love a good birthday. And 40 is a very good one. Julie also suggested that those of us north of 40 share some wisdom, but really, you seem to be very wise already.

    I’ll share this: When I was 34 I gave up running. I had just gone through a divorce, was going back to school to finish a degree, and was raising 3 children mostly alone. I was working outside the home for the first time in awhile. I thought to myself, “Something has to give”, and because I couldn’t train the way I wanted to, I just stopped. Running was the most important thing to me that I did for myself and I just let it go without a second thought. It was a relief at the time, but all these years later, approaching 50, I wish so much that I had changed my expectations of running instead of walking away from them. Because I never made it back to a regular running routine, but I still can feel it-the rhythym, how it feels when you shift into that sweet spot when you feel like you could run forever, what it’s like to be out on a cold winter day and be warm enough in a thin pullover, the excitement of crossing a finish line, the comraderie of a group of like-minded people. Beer with Brunch. I guess I could still drink beer with brunch, but I’d have a much harder time justifying it. I am not saying, “never stop running, Cheryl”. I guess I am saying always find a way to include the things in your life that are important to the you inside who is separate from all of those other things you do because as a mom and a wife. It is so easy to give up things for someone else and so hard to hang onto them just for yourself.

    But Julie and her marathon at 40 just may have inspired me to recapture my lost youth. Or at least my muscular calves.

    Happy Birthday Cheryl!


    julie gardner Reply:


    I adore this comment. For real. And I’d come run or just eat brunch and drink beer with you any day of the week.

    What perfect advice to give to anyone at any age.
    It is so hard to hang onto things that are just for you.

    But also so necessary.
    Even more than muscular thighs.

    Which I can confirm Cheryl has.

    p.s. I know that sweet spot of which you speak. And now you’ve made me wish I ran more often…
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


    Cheryl Reply:

    Okay, i know there’s confusion, but i actually turned 40 almost three years ago. I am just three months younger than Julie, though a LOT heavier and slower. Sigh.

    Anyway. I ran two marathons, at age 38 and 39, and then I got pregnant with my third. This past year, I ran three halves. As an older mom I have to take care of myself, so that’s what I’ve been doing. Running. Even though most days I hate it – and am still looking for that damn sweet spot.

    Thanks so much for sharing your words!!!


  15. Renee Schuls-Jacobson Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    And you did it.

    And it was good.

    Oh Cheryl! It really does get really good after forty. Once you get past the fact that your boobies will never (ever0 be perky again. Not naturally anyway. And once you get r reading glasses. (Or maybe you won’t need readers because you are all signed up to get LASIK.) Once you accept that your thighs are a soft place for heads and that once in a while you might have a rogue hair in a place you did not to ever have a hair. (Not that I would know. I’ve been lasered. Everywhere.) Once you accept that your tattoos are going to fade and bleed. (Maybe you were smart and didn’t get any in the first place.)

    But seriously, there is this calm that came at 40 that has managed to stick around for these last four years. I’m digging it. My mother says it gets better. But I’ve got to tell you, I’ve seen her boobs. I’m not so sure.

    These truly are the best days.

    Raising a glass to you.

    Come say hello. Today I had a guest blogger, but you know, come say hi. I think you are da bomb.

    And anyone Julie loves immediately becomes my lover. Sometimes I get viruses that way, but they clear up quickly.
    Renee Schuls-Jacobson recently posted..Hidden Potential: Guest Post by Saucy B.


    julie gardner Reply:


    My viral friend (in a good way) Cheryl is 42 (shhhh) and a complete rock star so you two would get along just fine.

    She also has a FANTASTIC tattoo on her shoulder – three turtles for her three kids. (I so wish I had an inspiration like that.)

    Boobs? I try to forget about mine and keep the rest of me perky enough to make up for…ummm….whatever I may lack.

    Thanks for always supporting me my lady. Your words always make me think or smile or both.

    And your guest post today is killer.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


    Cheryl Reply:

    Oh, the boobs..It’s really a tragedy, isn’t it?


  16. Janie Fox Says:

    December 14th, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    I have never been a runner and at 52 I doubt I start. My bladder is old and my mantra is I won’t run even if my butt is on fire. But I am working out with Beachbody and I am losing this mid life chub that creeps on. Fifties are pretty swell. More time, more money, more wisdom and a lot less caring about the little stuff. I am thinking 60′s are going to be awesome. I adore Julie and I think Cheryl sounds pretty cool.


    julie gardner Reply:


    WHAT is Beachbody? I’ve never heard of it, but I can only imagine it’s more grueling than the runs I do…

    Because after my work outs, I’m not at ALL thinking about hanging out on the beach.

    Unless you come, too…
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  17. tracy@sellabitmum Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 7:58 am

    ..the freedom to try..

    Damn straight.

    All I can say is “VEGAS BABY!”
    tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Sick


    julie gardner Reply:


    Because what happens there, stays there!

    Except us. We’ll come home eventually.


    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  18. Katie Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Fricking Julie…making the 30′s crowd look like a bunch of slackers.
    Katie recently posted..mean muggin’


    julie gardner Reply:


    I was a total slacker in my thirties.

    And now.

    I just play a motivated forty-three year on the Internet.

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  19. John Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I really feel like I’d be more productive if I just quit what I was doing to stalk Julie full-time.

    Anyway, yeah, that “make it a secret” is what I do too often . . . you read something like this, though, and you realize that dropping a goal is like intentionally sunking your boat before you leave….
    John recently posted..Where I reveal my #mugswap partner


    julie gardner Reply:


    Yep. I’m the one who most gets in my own way.
    Why do we do that to ourselves?

    Especially when everyone just wants to support us.

    I don’t know why the fear of failure is so scary.
    Especially because at my best I usually aim for mediocrity.

    I’m totally fine with a boat that needs to be bailed out a bit.

    But I should try not to sink it before I even leave the dock, right?

    Or something like that. ;-)
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  20. Poppy Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Happy Birthday Pull Up Queen.

    I think some of the best ideas are discussed over margaritas when there other person just shuts up and nods. Does Bill run too?
    Poppy recently posted..Aiming Low – Craptastic Christmas Gift Edition


    julie gardner Reply:

    Bill is an INSANE runner.

    I trot around three times (or once) a week. I sometimes stop running completely when I’m tired, sick or too busy doing important stuff like cleaning out my junk drawers.

    He runs every single day of his life. No joke.
    It makes me exhausted just thinking about it.

    But he’s so supportive I can’t even call him a jerk. (At least not to his face.)
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  21. Crystal Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Amaze-balls!! Just sayin’!! I think all of life’s convo’s should be mulled about over an alcoholic drink. I think running a marathon is quite victorious….no matter how you finish. I trained for a 1/2…thought I was going to die! SO kudos for you!
    Crystal recently posted..Let’s Talk About Sex Baby!


    julie gardner Reply:


    Did you do the half or train? Because you know, they say anything you have run you can double so:

    A. You could totally do a marathon

    B. I don’t know who “they” is so I don’t know if A is actually true.

    C. Let’s just drink margaritas and forget about it.

    Oh yeah.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  22. Liz Taylor Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    I love this line: “And to me turning 40 brought with it an incentive; a motivation to make the most of the rest of my life.” I could not agree more. Kudos on the marathon, Julie. And here I thought I was doing good walking 1-2 miles a day. Showoff. :)

    As for the secrecy thing, I went the complete opposite direction. Made a list of 10 things I wanted to do and put them on a birthday bucket list when I turned 41 this year, and then I published the list on my blog for all the world to see. The accountability has been a great motivation, too. Lord knows that some of these are things I have wanted to do for a while. And now I have to “sink or swim” before March. Let’s just say there is gonna be a sprint at the end of my “marathon,” but knowing people are reading and cheering me on is awesome. If I don’t get everything done, I will still take pride in the journey and try against next year.
    Liz Taylor recently posted..Shake It Out


    julie gardner Reply:


    If it makes you feel better, walking 1-2 miles is a lot more than I do on a typical day.

    If I’m not training for something (which is most of the time) I make every excuse in the book to skip exercise. Which is why I try to train for something at least once (or more) a year.

    Otherwise…I’d be on the couch. For real.

    I think a public Bucket List is fabulous and if I’d had a blog when I turned 41 I might have considered it.

    Then again, I suppose the statute of limitations isn’t up on that idea. Maybe next year. I’ll be 44.

    And hopefully not sitting on the couch…(wish me luck.)
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  23. Nina Badzin Says:

    December 15th, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Very inspiring, Julie! I don’t think I knew that about the running. You have been up to a lot this year! And happy bday to Cheryl.
    Nina Badzin recently posted..The Kindle and Bookstores: My Tortured Romance


    julie gardner Reply:


    The running started three years ago when I finally took a leave of absence to write and then panicked that I’d have nothing to write about…

    Hence: Try to run a marathon and write about it. HILARIOUS, right?

    It was a good way to get my feet wet (no pun intended) and got me inspired in so many ways.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  24. paula Says:

    December 16th, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Turning 40 is definitely the time to GO for it!! Good for you!
    paula recently posted..Word-Up: Poop


  25. By Word of Mouth Musings Says:

    December 16th, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    I will never run a marathon with either of you … not because you would make me look bad (well, probably) but more than likely because I would die.
    On the other hand, I will have margaritas at the finish line – so that makes me a good friend ;)
    By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Wordy Wednesday. Do you have Your ‘wits’ about you?


    julie gardner Reply:

    The woman waiting with margaritas at the finish line is arguably the MOST important part of the support-system.

    You, my friend, are a vital cog in the wheel.
    (But you will probably have to drive afterward…consider yourself warned ;-))

    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


    julie gardner Reply:

    p.s. You strike me as the type who could do anything you set your mind to, Nicole. So I don’t believe for a minute that you couldn’t finish a marathon.
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  26. Jamie Says:

    December 16th, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    I love that Bill had no doubt you would do it and succeed. A great person in your corner. I want to read your book.
    Jamie recently posted..if i could turn back time | erica m


    julie gardner Reply:


    That book, while it was absolutely wonderful to write, is definitely not publishable in its current state.

    I was BRAND NEW to the writing gig (like REALLY) and learning as I went along. I look at it now as more of a diary of (arguably) the best six months of my life.

    So far…
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  27. Theresa Sonoda Says:

    December 17th, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Hi Julie! And Happy Birthday Cheryl! I love this post for lots of reasons, but mostly because everyone can relate to having goals that are seemingly unreachable….and then are. And the cool part is there are no boundaries. I hate boundaries. And I love goals. Both of you amaze me and delight me with your words. Thanks!
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..Bah Humbug


    Theresa Sonoda Reply:

    Ooops, left a word out. Doh!

    “..and then are.” should read “..and then are reachable”. Makes a tad more sense huh.
    Theresa Sonoda recently posted..Bah Humbug


    julie gardner Reply:

    And look at you, Terri – your words in a published book.

    Talk about reaching goals…fulfilling dreams.

    That’s one I’m still working on.
    So thanks for the inspiration.

    Very much!
    julie gardner recently posted..Today call me pantsed. Again.


  28. Alexandra Says:

    December 21st, 2011 at 2:22 am


    there’s those that do.

    and those that do donuts.

    That would be me.

    krispykreme, please.
    Alexandra recently posted..Holiday Letter Discussion


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