Of Spiderman, a bully, and lessons learned

by Cheryl, posted on January 5th, 2011 in Parenting

It was the shirt that did it to me, made me that kind of angry only a mother can know.

Light-blue, the shirt, with Spiderman on the front.

And in the upper right corner, where your heart would be if a body was made in mirror-image, three rips.

This is what happens to soft cotton when a child is shoved off a swing and onto concrete at the school playground.

I know this because this is what happened to my son.

My son who went to school with a nice, whole Spiderman shirt and returned with three tears in it.

Because someone decided it was okay to push him.

That it’s okay to punch him in the stomach.

That it’s okay to chase him and throw him down.

What this bully didn’t know is my child has a mother who was also picked on, who knows exactly what it feels like to have someone bigger, stronger or just meaner see a target on her back.

Thing is, I’m not a kid anymore.

I know how to stop it.

And I will not tolerate – for ONE SECOND – someone doing this to my son.

That shirt, when I came upon it in the pile of clean clothes I was folding the other day, broke my heart again.

Because when you’re a mother, there really is no limit to how many cracks your heart can take, is there? It just keeps breaking, and healing, and breaking more than you think it could possibly handle.

But mothers, well, we’re tough. Especially when it comes to protecting our kids.

So Sawyer and I visited the principal’s office after school yesterday, the first day back after the two-week vacation.

“My son is being bullied,” I told her. “And it’s going to stop immediately.”

She took notes. She told us she would talk to the child, that there would be consequences, that Sawyer should let her know if it happened again.

Today I got the follow-up email. The child was spoken to, as was the mother. The child admitted the behaviors. And then apologized to Sawyer and agreed they would stay away from each other.

He was happy. A weight was lifted off his fragile shoulders, the body that barely reaches over 50 pounds, the gentle soul that doesn’t get why some kids are so, so mean.

He also learned two important things:

The school principal is an ally, not just the person to see when you’ve gotten in trouble. That’s why you learn to spell it principal.

And most important, his mother will always, always have his back.

Tags: bullying, do not fuck with my kid, principals aren't just for bad stuff, spiderman, zero tolerance

Comments

76 Responses to “Of Spiderman, a bully, and lessons learned”

Sherri Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:23 am

You rock, Cheryl. You stepped in, had his back, and helped him take care of a problem that would only have escalated.

And your principal? Rocks, too. Because many of them take the easy way out, and won’t confront other parents.

A kid would be lucky for you to have their back.
Sherri recently posted..Guest Post – In These Small Moments

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
I was very impressed by how seriously and swiftly action was taken. It made me feel good to know bullying is not tolerated and that Sawyer understands that.

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The Drama Mama Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:26 am

“Because when you’re a mother, there really is no limit to how many cracks your heart can take, is there? It just keeps breaking, and healing, and breaking more than you think it could possibly handle.”

I’ve been there. Recently. I love the way you put it.

Momma power. There is nothing else like it.

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:55 pm
That’s right. Never mind Don’t Mess with Texas. It should be Don’t Mess with Mommy – or her kids!

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Varda (SquashedMom) Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:49 am

You are awesome, and obviously willing to do whatever it takes to protect your son. That lesson, that his mother always has his back? Priceless.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Tomorrow- Tomorrow

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:56 pm
He’s a good little dude. It kills me to think someone could be mean to him. Kills me!

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Cheryl D. Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 4:00 am

Good for you! If that jerk of a bully picks on your son again, pursue legal action. Seriously, you can!
Cheryl D. recently posted..Four Reasons Why You Cant Marry French Toast

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:57 pm
If it got to that point – which I can’t imagine it doing – believe me, heads would roll.

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Samantha Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 8:00 am

Good for your Mom! My son recently had a string of incidents where he was being bullied, its tough. Kids are devastated by it. My son too knows I always have his back.
Samantha recently posted..Can of Worms

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:59 pm
It just makes you sick, doesn’t it? I can’t help wonder what’s going on in that other child’s life that would cause this kind of behavior.

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cristina Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 8:10 am

good for you! I dread the day my kid comes homes crying because someone bullied him. He is not a fighter and is very sensitive and so I fear. But you are right, we as mothers do not just stand back and let it happen. We fight and we protect.

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:00 pm
It is NOT fun. But hopefully knowing they’re supported helps them recognize those bullies and will keep them away!

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mommakiss Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 10:15 am

I would do exactly the same thing, I just hate that I would *have* to do it. Why do some kids feel the need to be so hateful and violent? It churns in the pit of my stomach, remembering my own childhood and praying for my kids now.
mommakiss recently posted..Crooked

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:01 pm
I don’t know why kids are like that. I always think something is going on at home. This child is known to be rather sullen and mean. But i can’t worry about that, I can only protect my own child, you know?

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mommakiss Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
You’re right – can’t control everyone else. Just pisses me off.
mommakiss recently posted..And The Evil Santa Goes To

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Oh, it BEYOND pisses me off. Grrrrr…
Leslie Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 10:46 am

Go Cheryl go!!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:01 pm
Thanks, Leslie! xo

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Crystal Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 11:07 am

Oh man…so sorry. My kiddos have been bullied…there is a neighborhood bully who targets my 12 year old. And my same son endured bullying at the bike rack every morning- he never told me about it. That makes me so sad. I just want to help him. And yes my heart breaks….every time I even think about it. Bullying is horrible! It’s really hard for me not to track the bully down and knock him over!! Urgh!! Makes me so mad!!
Crystal recently posted..Blast From the Past

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:02 pm
I know – I don’t even know who this child is and my son wants to show me, but I’m afraid of what I’ll do!

And yes, Sawyer learned he has to tell someone so it can be stopped.

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Jen Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 11:57 am

How awful! Happy to hear the princiPAL was swift in attending to it.

I have a question: so it seems like a lot of time passed in order for this to happen – pushing off swing, punching in stomach, running after him and throwing him down. Where were the teachers while this was happening? I mean I’m not blaming them obviously, just trying to understand how this level of physical assault would take place on during a 1st grade recess.

Did they call you as soon as it happened?

(I’m collecting notes/data so I know what to expect should this ever happen to one of my kids)
Jen recently posted..Helloooo 2011!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:05 pm
It happened over a period of time and I was not aware of the extent of it until he came home with that shirt – then he told me a bunch of other stuff he hadn’t told me before. There are a TON of kids on the playground (there are 5 first grade classes and the second graders are out there, too) so the 2 supervisors can’t see everything.

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Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:06 pm

SO glad this is taken care of.

And yes, the hurt you feel when it’s your CHILD being threatened in some way (ANY way, really) is so so so so much worse than when it’s us.

A hostage to the world.

But still SO SO glad.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..Hey- You in the Fuzzy Red Bermudas!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:04 pm
No kidding. I mean, he’s SEVEN! And I was bullied at that age. I remember my mother calling the school when I was in 5th grade because a cafeteria aid was being nasty to me. An adult! Ugh.

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Juli Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Bravo, Cheryl! Nipping it in the bud will hopefully help your son and that other boy.

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
I sure hope so!!

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Kristen Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I too was bullied from 2nd grade until high school. I am so determined to do everything in my power to not let that happen to my son. It’s such an ugly part of childhood!
It’s awesome that you got it resolved! Bullying needs to be stopped!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:01 pm
Ugh. That is a LONG time to have to put up with that crap. So sorry you had to deal with it. It is definitely an ugly part of childhood. I wish it would just go away!

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Truthful Mommy Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 1:56 pm

we had a similar situation at the beginning of the year,but it was my daughter and other little girls.It wasnt physical it was all verbal and mental, which is how I suppose girls operate. I had never been bullied but certainly would never tolerate someone doing it to my girls.I had a talk with my girl about ignoring them and then I sent a email to the teacher.It was handled but I know I wanted to hurt those little girls the way they hurt my girl.Mama’s can be fierce when they need to be. great post!
Truthful Mommy recently posted..Nutrisystem Update- Week 9 Back to my Pre Pregnancy Weight

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Girls are awful. They really, really are. I worry about my daughter being a perpetrator. I also won’t tolerate one of my kids being a bully!

And yes, nothing makes me go into Mama Bear mode more than my child getting bullied!

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Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:08 pm

I can’t imagine handling that situation any better! I’m so sorry to hear what happened to your son. I hope the child who bullied him (as well as his parents) make positive changes from this experience.

-Aimee
Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog recently posted..Mental Monday- No Resolution

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
Thanks, Aimee. There really isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect my kid from this crap. I am thankful the school feels the same way. I’ve heard horror stories about other schools not being as proactive or taking it as seriously.

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Licia Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Bringing Sawyer with you to the principal’s office and including him in the process is such a good idea. You are teaching him how things like that should be handled. Thank you for sharing this.
Licia recently posted..climbing the ladder with small children

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
Thank you. I absolutely thought it was important for him to know he has a voice, and to learn how to use it when he needs to.

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KLZ Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Way to go mama bear!
KLZ recently posted..An Antler Evolution

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:27 pm
ROOOOOOOOOAR!!!!!

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Theresa Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:23 pm

OOOh, this makes me so mad! I was bullied too as a kid, and at the time it was normal and just part of life. I still carry scars from those encounters today. Good for you for standing up and saying something. Bullying should never be tolerated, thank you for setting a good example!
Theresa recently posted..My little girl turns 5…

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:29 pm
I think people underestimate just how scarring those events can be. So important to stop it, both for the child being bullied AND the bully.

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Anne Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:35 pm

That’s awesome, Cheryl. Knowing you AND the principal have his back will make a world of difference for Sawyer. Bullying is the toughest thing for a parent to deal with. It’s heart breaking.
Anne recently posted..Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies Post stress-cation baking

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:30 pm
I really hope it gives him the confidence to use his voice. And yes, it’s completely heartbreaking!

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mommakiss Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:36 pm

OH, wanted to add – when I worried about things at the beginning of kindergarten (yes, kindy!) with my first kiddo this past fall, a friend sent me a book and we read it once in a while. Written by Sarah, Duchess of York – Matthew and the Bullies. Talks about telling a teacher or parent. It’s worked well so far, the conversation anyway. He’s talking to me a lot. I’ll never know if he tells me everything – but we talk every day about this sort of stuff and being kind.
mommakiss recently posted..And The Evil Santa Goes To

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
I will have to look for that book. We have definitely had conversations and, when he was in preschool (yep, it starts that early!) we did role playing. It sucks that we even have to talk about this stuff, you know?

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Nichole Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 2:48 pm

You wrote so beautifully of the pain that only a parent can know.
That Sawyer knows he can turn to you is such an important thing.
Great job, Cheryl.

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Thank you, my friend. xo

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liz Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I’m so sorry this happened, but thank goodness not only that the principal took it seriously, but that the mother and the bully did, too. It’s so hard when you get parents who won’t hold their kids accountable.
liz recently posted..Many Facets of a Cave Man

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Yeah. I actually don’t know what the other mother said or did, I just know she was notified. I’d be MORTIFIED if I ever got a call my kid was bullying someone, can you even imagine?

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Kimberly Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:15 pm

This breaks my heart on so many levels. First, I watched my 2 year old son get picked on at the beach. My son is taller than your average toddler and is often times mistaken for a 4 year old. Anyways, the kids started saying things like “He’s stupid. He can’t even say his name” and “Look, he’s wearing diapers”…I was so facking mad that I wanted to beat the crap out of those kids. Instead I bit my tongue, told them that they were rude and asked where their parents were. Then I told them.
Sigh, this world is a funny funky place sometimes.
Kimberly recently posted..2010 Reflections

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
Good for you for standing up for your little guy. My friend’s son is also incredibly tall for his age and I know she’s had similar experiences when he was younger. People expected him to act a certain way and she’d be all, “he’s only FOUR!”

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Elissa Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Hell hath no fury like an angry mommy…espcially one who was picked on as a child. It tears through your heart like a knife.

Pursuing this with the principal also sets the tone that you’re a parent to be reckoned with. Bravo!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:13 pm
it’s so true, isn’t it? Totally got my Mama Bear on!

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Mad Woman Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I seriously don’t know that I would have the control and maturity you have. I’d find a way to trip the bully, in front of his friends and act like it was an accident and then I wouldn’t be able to stop myself.

My daughter at 20 MONTHS was being bitten and pushed by a 3 year old at the sitters. At first I thought not much about it but the 2nd time it happened I was livid.

Another fear of being the mother of a girl is the psychological bullying girls are capable of. Oh god, here comes the angst again.

Thank you for being a good example. Your children are in good hands!
Mad Woman recently posted..Ho ho holiday!

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Cheryl Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:13 pm

You are so right about girls. They are hideous. Hideous! I’m so hoping my daughter can rise above!

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Jen Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:32 pm

This was such a powerful post.

I liked the line about a mother’s heart cracking and healing because its true.

I hope that this is the end of the bullying.
Jen recently posted..Not Me!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 6:05 pm
it is so true, isn’t it? Just when you think your heart can’t possibly break anymore…

And me too. I think this bully has learned there are consequences to bad behavior. I hope so, anyway.

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Renee(2old2tap) Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:56 pm

I’m glad the principal took this seriously. It’s too bad Sawyer didn’t want to say something sooner. It’s so hard for kids to tell someone. They don’t want to feel like they are tattling. They need to know the difference.
How does one explain that to little kids?
Renee(2old2tap) recently posted..Im Not Retiring Yet

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 6:06 pm
I definitely think the whole tattling issue got in the way of him saying anything sooner.

The teachers explain the difference to the class. Also, both Sawyer’s teacher and teacher of the bully’s class spoke to their classes about appropriate behavior on the playground.

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Aliza Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Fantastic. Good for you. Those cracks should well be absolutely shellacked by your response, the princiPAL’s, and S’s happiness at having the mean b*st*rd apologize. I’m so, so sorry Sawyer had to go through ANY of it, though.

My sister & I were also frequently bullied in elementary school. Followed home, picked on, knocked around by boys AND girls. One group of boys particularly like to target my sister (2 years my senior) while we walked home. One day, when she couldn’t take it anymore, she turned around, threw down her backpack, and went after them. Got into a nasty fistfight with one of them, while the others backed away in horror (a la “A Christmas Story.”)

HIS mother, can you believe HIS mother called MY mother after school to complain that Rachel gave him a bloody nose???? My mother said, “Good. He gave her a black eye, so let’s call it square,” and she hung up on the b*tch. Never had a problem with them again.

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 6:07 pm
I am SO SORRY you and your sister had to go through this crap. But OMG about your sister – GOOD FOR HER! And good for your mom. Bullies hate to be challenged, don’t they? They run like the cowards they truly are.

Hmph.

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Jill Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Ugh! My heart breaks FOR you, just reading this. I am currently in the process of reviewing an anti-bullying program that I will share on OurMommyhood soon. I’ll keep hoping it doesn’t happen again for your little man.
Jill recently posted..I Got On Stage!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 9:12 pm
Thanks, Jill. He said today was a great day, the bully stayed far away, and all was right with recess!

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Missy Says:
January 5th, 2011 at 10:10 pm

You are an amazing mom! Way to go.

And I love what you say about there being no limit to the number of cracks our hearts can take. Isn’t that the painful truth?
Missy recently posted..Miss Manners- Part I

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Cheryl Reply:
January 5th, 2011 at 10:48 pm
It is the very painful, painful truth..

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Megan Says:
January 6th, 2011 at 1:49 am

Ugh, this just breaks my heart. Why are kids so freaking mean!?!? I just hate it.

Good for you for tackling it head-on and right away. You flipping rock.
Megan recently posted..You Probably Think This Sign Is About You

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Cheryl Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I hate it too. I really, really hate it. Ugh.

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Nancy C Says:
January 6th, 2011 at 7:09 am

You’ve got yourself a wonderful principal there. Oh, the heartbreak of those rips. The million little heartbreaks of parenthood. You said it perfectly.

Go momma!
Nancy C recently posted..The Battle of the Beard

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Cheryl Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:16 pm
I was upset when he came home with the ripped shirt. But when I saw it again while folding laundry? I swear I was even MORE upset.

Thankfully, he said the bully is staying away from him now!

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Kenna Says:
January 6th, 2011 at 11:39 am

I really admire your response to this situation. My first thought is that I would want to strangle the kid. I also think I would have gone straight to the parent, which probably would have ended up in a confrontation. You acted out of responsibility to your child instead of just anger. You’re a great mom!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 6th, 2011 at 2:17 pm
That was my first reaction too, believe me! I actually waited before school with Sawyer so he could point the bully out to me, but the bell rang and he had to go. I know I would’ve killed her with my evil glare!

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Rudri Says:
January 8th, 2011 at 12:06 am

As a mother you are the best advocate for your children. You did it with grace. Your rock Cheryl.
Rudri recently posted..Five

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Cheryl Reply:
January 11th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Thanks, Rudri! It’s a tough job but someone has to do it

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Valerie Says:
January 8th, 2011 at 10:42 am

For me, this is the hardest part of being a mom-that I cannot protect my daughter from hurt and pain-and that the world is sometimes a very unkind and very unfair place.

Good for you for sticking up for your son (and I am so happy the principal took it seriously too.)

Even if we can’t prevent some of the bumps and bruises our kids get in this life-the most important thing is that they know they can count on us to take a stand for them.

Valerie, from For the Love of Pete
Valerie recently posted..It’s A Brand New Hair Day!

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Cheryl Reply:
January 11th, 2011 at 12:52 am
Yes, knowing their parents support them is SO important for kids. It sounds like a no-brainer but it is so, so true.

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CDG Says:
January 8th, 2011 at 3:30 pm

I see I’m not the only one who is happily surprised at the swift and appropriate reaction from the school administration.

More schools need to see this kind of reaction as a positive model.

Brava, to you, and to Sawyer’s principal, and to the other child, to give credit where credit is due, for owning up.
CDG recently posted..The Vanished Girl’s Madness

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Cheryl Reply:
January 11th, 2011 at 12:53 am
I agree. I’ve heard horror stories about unresponsive school administrations. The whole situation was resolved in the best way possible.

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Stacy Says:
January 10th, 2011 at 11:58 pm

This is my first time visiting your blog and I have to say that I like your style! Way to go, mama!
Stacy recently posted..5 Ways To Create Successful Goals

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Cheryl Reply:
January 11th, 2011 at 12:54 am
I’m so glad you’re here! And thank you!

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