Mommypants – They never come off

by , posted on January 3rd, 2011 in Mommypants Moment




Today’s Mommypants Moment is by the incredibly sweet Natalie from Mommy of a Monster and Twins. She shares a very difficult experience, one to which many of you will relate. I am so glad I got the chance to meet Natalie in person – she is as amazing as she seems from her writing.

I waited years and years to get my mommypants.

Jason and I had been married 5 years and fighting with unexplained infertility the entire time before I finally got to put them on. “Relax” and “Quit trying and it will happen” friends, family, and strangers would tell us. It didn’t. We finally ended up doing fertility treatments.

After a year of trying various treatments, we were finally pregnant! My first pregnancy was a very easy pregnancy and our son Ethan was born in the summer of 2007.

When I stepped into my mommypants for the first time, they weren’t what I expected. They were too tight. They were constricting. I felt like I couldn’t move in them. They really weren’t my style. After doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted for so long, it was hard to just give up my life to take care of such a demanding little person.

Ethan didn’t care if I was tired or if I needed to eat. He didn’t care if I wanted an hour to myself to read. He would wake up at the wrong times and throw off my very organized schedule and life. This was not what I thought it would be, even though I knew that it really was.

And in the darkest hours of the night, when there was nobody around to hear it, I admitted to myself that I wanted to take my mommypants off. I didn’t tell anybody else. I put on a smile and tried to pretend that I loved wearing those pants.

I remember one afternoon when Jason went to watch his nephew’s baseball game. I was sitting on the couch, Ethan must have been about two months old, and he was so content. I was trying to sing “You Are My Sunshine” to him, but I couldn’t…I just kept crying and crying.

It was that afternoon I finally realized that it wasn’t the mommypants that were the problem; there was something wrong with me. That feeling so sad and dejected about being a mom wasn’t the way I should be feeling.

Depression.

I didn’t know the word for it then, but I knew that what I was feeling just could not be right.

When Jason came home that day and found me crying, I finally told him how sad I was. How I didn’t even like being a mom. How I didn’t want to do anything but sit on the couch. I didn’t want visitors. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to eat. I did want to sleep. A lot. And that is when he said something to me about talking to my doctor.

When I finally got to see my doctor a few days later, I cried the entire time I explained my feelings to him. He smiled, and patted me on the knee…and told me what I was experiencing was NORMAL. That a lot of women feel the same way. That he could help me. And he did.

I had post partum depression, and medicine fixed it. Luckily, a small dose was all I needed, and a month later I was like a new woman.

When all of those horrible, sad and angry feelings went away, I talked to my friends and family about it and was surprised by how many of them experienced it, too. I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

I love being a mom. Once you put your mommy pants on, you can’t take them off. They are on forever. But sometimes you have to wait until you stretch them out a little and wear them for awhile before they get broken in. And now that I’ve got them fitting just the way I like them, I never want to take them off.

Sure, sometimes they are still a little uncomfortable, but that’s just because I keep growing and changing. And really, isn’t that what being a mom is all about?

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31 Responses to “Mommypants – They never come off”

  1. Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:17 am

    OMG! I love this Natalie!!! It is so true— those Mommy Pants need a little breaking in!!! Cheryl– fab pick for your guest poster. I love you both!!
    Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation recently posted..2010- A Look Back

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  2. Renee Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Exactly. That’s exactly what it’s all about.
    And I remember the discomfort. And disorientation.

    And later? The way it seemed I’d done this forever. And stopped questioning myself. And the mommypants fit.
    Renee recently posted..Im Not Retiring Yet

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  3. Tim@sogeshirts Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Glad that the mommypants fit just right now Natalie. Post partum is very common and it’s good that many more people are starting to hear about it. I honestly didn’t know anything about it till a year ago.

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  4. Natalie Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:30 am

    Thank you Cheryl! I’m so glad that I got to share my story here. I love Mommypants, and this feature, and I’m just honored to be a part of it!
    Natalie recently posted..Project Smile – December

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  5. Jenn LoNigro Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:33 am

    So glad you posted this, it’s something lots of women need to hear. Too many mothers hide it and feel guilty about it when in reality it’s such a common feeling.
    Jenn LoNigro recently posted..Resolution 1 Down the Tubes!

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  6. Jill Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 1:23 am

    GREAT post! Your description was dead on with my experience. My lowest of lows was when I couldn’t pull myself together at work – I just sobbed & sobbed in the bathroom one day. Maybe someday I’ll write about it too. :) Thanks!
    Jill recently posted..I Got On Stage!

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  7. Melody Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 1:36 am

    Such a wonderfully rounded metaphore! Now that we “fit” our Mommypants so comfortably I’m wondering what we do when there is no more stretch left in the fabric and they tear. Who do you call? Where do you go? What is your spare pair like?

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  8. Alexandra Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 1:40 am

    I, also, had the most nightmarish of episodes of PPD after my first.

    I never had it with 2 and 3, but with #1?

    It was beyond what words can tell you.

    I know what you wrote here doesn’t even cover what your days and nights were like.

    Words just can’t.

    So glad it’s behind you now, Natalie, and that medicine was able to help.

    We love you.
    Alexandra recently posted..Peace- Love- Health- Happiness and Thank You!

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  9. Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 2:30 am

    I did not have PPD, but I did go through fertility treatments. And I can only imagine that the depression must have felt so much worse after you worked SO HARD to get pregnant.

    You must have been just mystified.

    So glad you got through the tunnel, lovely one!

    Cause what an amazing mom you are!
    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..Starting 2011

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  10. Nancy C Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Yes! The more people share these stories, the more that people ask for help and healing.

    Hormones don’t play, and thank God there are medicines that can balance things out.
    Nancy C recently posted..The Smog

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  11. Jen Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 9:58 am

    This was such an honest and beautiful post. I just loved it.
    Jen recently posted..I Tried but I Couldn’t So I Did This Instead

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  12. angela Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 10:16 am

    What an honest post, and I’m glad that you broke in those mommypants! Even without PPD, I know how difficult it can be to keep it together at times. I think about those moments in the darkest part of night, when you just want to crawl into bed, and your little one just wants to scream his/her head off, and I can’t imagine that feeling being compounded by depression. Thanks for sharing.
    angela recently posted..The Dollhouse AKA Santa Listens

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  13. Crystal Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 11:41 am

    THanks for sharing your experience. I know lots and lots of women who have experienced this. It’s awesome that we actually talk about this now, share our stories, and don’t have to feel shame to get help.
    Crystal recently posted..Blast From the Past

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  14. gigi Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 11:55 am

    I definitely had this same issue with my #1 and unfortunately never sought help for it. I”m so glad that you did.
    gigi recently posted..A Stalker of the Lifestyle Kind

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  15. MommaKiss Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    I had sad moments after my first child. Not ‘normal’ sad, but like you describe – I hated every little thing about what I was doing. Thing is, I had no idea what to do about it. Then I was pregnant again, then lost that one, then tried and tried to get pregnant again. It wasn’t until my 2nd kid was a few months old that I realized I was just sad. All. The. Time. And finally talking to someone was such an epiphany! My docs were supportive, my friends, even my ‘tom cruise anti drug’ husband agreed I needed help.

    You’re always so honest, nat, love you for it.
    MommaKiss recently posted..Crooked

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  16. joann mannix Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    No one can understand really, the depths of it, unless they’re in the trenches of it. It is this blackness and you just can’t find the light. Kudos to you for writing about it today, for letting the world see how normal postpartum depression is and how it is fixable. I wish there was more light shone on this very common after effect of hormone upheaval.

    Beautiful and brave post.
    joann mannix recently posted..Christmas 2010 Memorialized In Blurry Pictures

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  17. Kimberly Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I had no idea that you had PPD too!
    My mommy pants has taken me two years to fight into. I had severe PPD and I can’t even begin to tell people how soul crushing it is to not “get” motherhood.
    But once that fog lifts, motherhood and the pants that come with it are pretty awesome aren’t they?!
    Kimberly recently posted..2010 Reflections

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  18. KLZ Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    Growing and changing, huh? That’s quite a phrase there. I like it a lot and it’s a good reminder of what life’s like.
    KLZ recently posted..An Antler Evolution

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  19. Jennifer K. Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I’m going through the same issues. I had the same problems with my first two children but never got help. The day after having #3 4 months ago my world started to cave in. At 5 weeks PP I started medication, at 3.5 months PP I fell in to an even deeper depression. Now on new medication, and starting to feel like myself, I’m working on trying to be happy and healthy for my children.

    http://www.3before30.com/down-the-rabbit-hole. <— my post from a few days ago about my struggle with PPD.

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  20. Mad Woman Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Thanks Nat for your honesty! BTW, “You are my sunshine”? It’s my go-to song to sing to my daughter and I sing it when I’m sad.

    I’m hoping my mommypants get broken in by the time this 2nd child arrives. And Nat, you’re my example when I need to let go of the fear of losing myself in being a mom. Thank you for that!
    Mad Woman recently posted..Ho ho holiday!

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  21. liz Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Nat, we obviously have already shared our PPD war stories. :) At first MommyPants can totally suck ass!
    liz recently posted..Boys and Bowling Balls

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  22. Laura Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    This post has me absolutely bawling. I suffered with PPD and was lucky enough to have a midwife that talked about in our prenatal classes before any of us were near delivering. Because of her I felt comfortable enough to get help and I am so sad that many women aren’t as lucky.

    Thank you for sharing your story. Hopefully the more people talk about PPD, the more women will be able to get help and get through such a tough time.

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  23. The Drama Mama Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story, Natalie. I rememeber having dark feelings after my first babies were born, though perhaps not as intense as this. You did an excellent job of summing up and sharing your feelings. I’m glad that you’ve gotten comfortable in your mommypants. I don’t want to take mine off either.
    The Drama Mama recently posted..La Vida Loca

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  24. Toushka Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I can really relate to this post. I’m glad your mommypants fit better now.
    Toushka recently posted..Point and Shoot- First smiles

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  25. Shell Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Such honesty! I think so many moms go through this, but most of us don’t want to admit it until after we’re through it.

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  26. Ash Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    I battled depression before I had babies, and was still blindsided by it after both my boys.

    Thank you for spreading the word. The great thing about it is that those Mommypants do eventually fit. Alleluia.
    Ash recently posted..Do these Hammer pants make my butt look big

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  27. Life Without Pink Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    I applaud you for sharing your story! So many women face this and it can feel so lonely and scary. Sometimes it just take a little time to get use to “motherhood” however even after 2 kids I’m still not sure my mommypants are broken in :)

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  28. TornadoTwos Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    Such a wonderful post Natalie! I remember after one of my births a nurse was talking to me about PPD and she said, “having a new baby is supposed to be one of the happiest and most joyful times in your life, don’t rob yourself of those moments by being too embarrassed to ask for help.” Weeks later it was those words that got me to give my doctor a call.
    TornadoTwos recently posted..I Forgot For a Moment We’re a Freak-Show

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  29. Aimee @ Ain't Yo Mama's Blog Says:

    January 3rd, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    It’s so good to hear moms sharing their stories about PPD. The more moms with PPD share their stories, the less stigma and fear is attached. It’s common for moms to experience some symptoms of PPD for about 3 weeks following the birth of a baby. It’s when a month goes by and things don’t get better that a mom really needs to call her doctor.

    I hope every new mom will read this story and know they are not alone and that they can be helped.

    -Aimee
    Aimee @ Ain’t Yo Mama’s Blog recently posted..Mental Monday- No Resolution

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  30. Sherri Says:

    January 4th, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Love, love your honesty in this post Natalie. And for anyone who follows your blog, they KNOW how much fun and enjoyment you get out of the kids! So to be honest and say it wasn’t always rainbows and glitter really, really helps other moms.

    And now? Your mommypants fit you perfectly. Hugs to you, my friend!
    Sherri recently posted..Guest Post – In These Small Moments

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  31. Tonya Says:

    January 6th, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    I love Natalie and this was a great, honest and very real post that all moms can relate to. It’s not always rainbows and glitter, being a mommy is tough and the pants don’t always fit as perfectly as you’d like them to. Thanks for sharing, and as always keeping it REAL. Hugs to you. xoxo
    Tonya recently posted..Bloggy Burn Out &amp Big News

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