Mommypants – They never come off
Today’s Mommypants Moment is by the incredibly sweet Natalie from Mommy of a Monster and Twins. She shares a very difficult experience, one to which many of you will relate. I am so glad I got the chance to meet Natalie in person – she is as amazing as she seems from her writing.
I waited years and years to get my mommypants.
Jason and I had been married 5 years and fighting with unexplained infertility the entire time before I finally got to put them on. “Relax” and “Quit trying and it will happen” friends, family, and strangers would tell us. It didn’t. We finally ended up doing fertility treatments.
After a year of trying various treatments, we were finally pregnant! My first pregnancy was a very easy pregnancy and our son Ethan was born in the summer of 2007.
When I stepped into my mommypants for the first time, they weren’t what I expected. They were too tight. They were constricting. I felt like I couldn’t move in them. They really weren’t my style. After doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted for so long, it was hard to just give up my life to take care of such a demanding little person.
Ethan didn’t care if I was tired or if I needed to eat. He didn’t care if I wanted an hour to myself to read. He would wake up at the wrong times and throw off my very organized schedule and life. This was not what I thought it would be, even though I knew that it really was.
And in the darkest hours of the night, when there was nobody around to hear it, I admitted to myself that I wanted to take my mommypants off. I didn’t tell anybody else. I put on a smile and tried to pretend that I loved wearing those pants.
I remember one afternoon when Jason went to watch his nephew’s baseball game. I was sitting on the couch, Ethan must have been about two months old, and he was so content. I was trying to sing “You Are My Sunshine” to him, but I couldn’t…I just kept crying and crying.
It was that afternoon I finally realized that it wasn’t the mommypants that were the problem; there was something wrong with me. That feeling so sad and dejected about being a mom wasn’t the way I should be feeling.
I didn’t know the word for it then, but I knew that what I was feeling just could not be right.
When Jason came home that day and found me crying, I finally told him how sad I was. How I didn’t even like being a mom. How I didn’t want to do anything but sit on the couch. I didn’t want visitors. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to eat. I did want to sleep. A lot. And that is when he said something to me about talking to my doctor.
When I finally got to see my doctor a few days later, I cried the entire time I explained my feelings to him. He smiled, and patted me on the knee…and told me what I was experiencing was NORMAL. That a lot of women feel the same way. That he could help me. And he did.
I had post partum depression, and medicine fixed it. Luckily, a small dose was all I needed, and a month later I was like a new woman.
When all of those horrible, sad and angry feelings went away, I talked to my friends and family about it and was surprised by how many of them experienced it, too. I had nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.
I love being a mom. Once you put your mommy pants on, you can’t take them off. They are on forever. But sometimes you have to wait until you stretch them out a little and wear them for awhile before they get broken in. And now that I’ve got them fitting just the way I like them, I never want to take them off.
Sure, sometimes they are still a little uncomfortable, but that’s just because I keep growing and changing. And really, isn’t that what being a mom is all about?