Just once more

by Cheryl, posted on April 22nd, 2011 in Red Writing Hood

Dear Lover,

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t.

I tried to stay away from you.

But I knew you were there. And I was lonely.

I thought I needed you.

At first, I had this whole thing under control. We’d meet, briefly, usually in the late afternoon. You seduced me with your promises.

Left no trail of your visit.

But soon I needed more of you.

It got really tough to hide our relationship. I tried. I did, but my husband is not stupid.

He asked me right out if I was with you. And I lied. To Brock. Who I thought I loved way more than you.

The truth was, I wasn’t ready to break it off. You were what I thought about. Even when I was with Brock, when I listened to the steady beat of his heart under my cheek, I wondered when you and I could be together again. I couldn’t wait for Brock to leave in the morning so we could be alone.

Only we’re never alone. Are we.

I hear you calling to me, your song louder and brasher than my baby’s sweet chatter.

You want me to yourself.

You want to wrap me in your darkness.

You demand I give up everything for you – my husband, my son, me.

I don’t know who I am anymore when I’m with you. What used to make me happy?

I can’t do this anymore.

I want my life back. I want to stop hiding.

I need my little boy and I feel him drifting away from me, a brightly-colored sailboat in a cold grey ocean.

I’m drowning.

I’m done. I’m done.

Just once more.

Then I’m done.

This post is a work of fiction. It is a written from the perspective of Skye, and was inspired by the prompt, “Write a letter to your darkest fear,” for The Red Dress Club. It is about her battle with alcoholism.

Tags: alcoholism, Brock, Nano, red writing hood, Skye

Comments

32 Responses to “Just once more”

Erin Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:16 am

Love this, just like the saying “Go away, please don’t leave me”
Definitely can feel the conflict within her. Can’t wait to see what happens next!
Erin recently posted..Dive into the Depths

[Reply]
Alison@Mama Wants This Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:21 am

I don’t know how you do it. Each and every time. I love this. I can actually visualize each and every line in my head. Love this!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..Writers Workshop- Something students these days should know

[Reply]
tracy Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:36 am

“Only we’re never alone…” Such a perfect line. I am sure so true for this situation. Love this!
tracy recently posted..If Erica Kane was my Mother and other Favorites

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JDaniel4's Mom Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:58 am

Thiis filled with such yearning and desire!
JDaniel4′s Mom recently posted..Muffin Tin Monday- Spring Cleaning

[Reply]
Kelly Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 7:58 am

Oh- “Just once more- then I’m done” PERFECT ending.
Kelly recently posted..Survival Tips for the Athlete’s Mom

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Amy Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 8:17 am

This is great. I love these lines,

And I lied. To Brock. Who I thought I loved way more than you.

So true!
Amy recently posted..i learned my lesson

[Reply]
Nichole Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 10:40 am

Such a beautiful exploration of the conflicted feelings that she’s working through.

You can feel her pulled in both directions…you can feel that she is saying no, but she knows it’s futile. Like she’s paying lip service…trying to somehow convince her self.

Heartbreaking.

Amazing job, Cheryl.
Nichole recently posted..One More

[Reply]
Ratz Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:29 am

Perfectly done. You know Cheryl, the other night I was reading Lipstick Jungle and your piece just highlighted the character’s struggle in both the stories. You have focused every teensy bit which makes it come out like this- PERFECT.

And, I am so glad to be back here and at TRDC. Have a lovely weekend.
Ratz recently posted..Thunderstorm- TRDC Meme

[Reply]
Ashley Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 11:58 am

It felt very real. Especially when you put, “Just once more. Then I’m done.” It’s all to easy to convince yourself one more time and I can do it except one more time lasts a lot longer than one moment. Great job relaying the struggle and the addiction.
Ashley recently posted..Music Builds Character

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Kris Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Until Brock was mentioned, I thought this was written to your Cadbury eggs! Hee hee

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:27 pm
HA!!! It’d be much more dramatic, that’s for sure!!

[Reply]
CDG Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:49 pm

I pictures this as an exercise in a rehab program, part of a journaling project.

An admission of the problem. An admission that the process is never complete.
CDG recently posted..The Playlist

[Reply]
Shell Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 12:53 pm

You rock, my dear.

Saying she’s done, then throwing in “just once more” and then done… that’s an addict’s thinking.
Shell recently posted..How to Get Your Kids to Let You Sleep In

[Reply]
Jenni Chiu Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:03 pm

“Just once more.”
You captured perfectly her greatest fear, greatest love, biggest enemy.
Jenni Chiu recently posted..When I grow up I wanna be

[Reply]
Carrie Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Dark and seductive. Secretive…you’ve brought it all out.
Carrie recently posted..Red Writing Hood- Search for Humanity

[Reply]
Elissa Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Simple, yet powerful. Love!

[Reply]
Renee Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Yes, the addiction. No longer in control. You caught it perfectly.
Renee recently posted..In Care of the Grim Reaper

[Reply]
Elena Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Love this! I think you did a great job picking up on the emotions of what this situation must be like. Glad to hear it was fiction.
Elena recently posted..Super Easy Chicken Enchiladas

[Reply]
Andrea Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I was not sure if this was fact or fiction until the end, but I really enjoyed it, either way. It was real enough that it could have represented pretty much anything — smoking, drinking, or an actual affair with a person, it was well written to the point that it didn’t matter what it was, but that the feelings were there. Great post!
Andrea recently posted..Enough Already

[Reply]
Alexandra Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 3:12 pm

WAS positive this was abt you and your crackcadburys.
Alexandra recently posted..Listen To Your Mother This Mothers Day

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
April 23rd, 2011 at 12:14 am
I apparently have not been hiding my addiction well AT ALL.

[Reply]
Jennie B Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 3:23 pm

This was great. I loved that her addiction was as real as an actual lover.

The line “I need my little boy and I feel him drifting away from me, a brightly-colored sailboat in a cold grey ocean” really resonated with me, though for a very different reason.
Jennie B recently posted..Notice of Eviction

[Reply]
Theresa Sonoda Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Ooooh good stuff! I like these characters. I look forward to hearing about them, and am delighted when you throw us a little teasing sample. I like the tease. And the story!

[Reply]
angela Says:
April 22nd, 2011 at 10:35 pm

The push-pull of an addict not quite ready to recover is so beautifully written.

I’m done. No, once more, then I’m done.

And even in her despair, there’s this line:
I need my little boy and I feel him drifting away from me, a brightly-colored sailboat in a cold grey ocean.

Your writing is so incredibly descriptive without being wordy, which is something I am working on in my own writing.
angela recently posted..Hear Greta Run

[Reply]
C @ Kid Things Says:
April 23rd, 2011 at 12:07 am

And we all know just once is never enough. I came upon this and I have to say, it’s hauntingly beautiful.
C @ Kid Things recently posted..Bursts

[Reply]
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points Says:
April 23rd, 2011 at 11:50 am

This line right here is perfection:

I need my little boy and I feel him drifting away from me, a brightly-colored sailboat in a cold grey ocean.
Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted..Giant Fireplace Doom Plumes

[Reply]
The Drama Mama Says:
April 23rd, 2011 at 3:48 pm

This was fabulous. It was nice to really see things from her POV. I like Skye anyway, and the fact that she is so torn endears her to me more.
The Drama Mama recently posted..Weathered- Waiting

[Reply]
Katie Says:
April 23rd, 2011 at 7:02 pm

This is SUCH a great character exercise. Skye is clearly so so addicted. It’s like she is real. We have alcoholism on both sides of our family and this is so….real to me. Heartbreakingly real.
Katie recently posted..My Bloggy Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

[Reply]
Rocky Mountain Mama Says:
April 25th, 2011 at 12:09 am

This is wonderful. I love how I am still left guessing.
Rocky Mountain Mama recently posted..Catching Up

[Reply]
Kir Says:
April 25th, 2011 at 8:36 am

that was just fantastic. I love how you write her, how lost she is in this disease and addiction. Your words make me ache for her weakness with the bottle.
Kir recently posted..Mama Kats Writing Workshop- Tell Me Something Good

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Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri Says:
April 25th, 2011 at 7:41 pm

My favorite line of this piece is “I need my little boy and I feel him drifting away from me, a brightly-colored sailboat in a cold grey ocean.” I think the imagery wrapped in these words is perfect.
Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri recently posted..Life Goes On

[Reply]
Anastasia Says:
November 6th, 2011 at 8:01 am

This is heartbreaking. Both my parents were alcoholics, it’s interesting to see if from a different perspective.
Anastasia recently posted..Food For Thought-Short and Sweet

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32 Responses to “Just once more”

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