Drinking – is it your normal?

by Cheryl, posted on September 15th, 2011 in Just me, Parenting

There were a lot of drunk women at BlogHer.

These were moms. Approaching – or already in – middle age.

Drinking past having a glass of wine or two.

Drunk.

It was completely understandable: they were away from the kids – some for the first time – and nobody was driving. There were tons of fun parties. And, it being a conference for bloggers, alcohol does have a way of softening that social anxiety.

These women left the conference and went back home to their families and maybe haven’t had much to drink since. Or maybe they went back to their glass-or-two a day lifestyle. For most, drinking isn’t even an issue. They enjoy wine or a margarita, but they can easily stop.

Then there are other women. Other women who count the minutes until they can start drinking in the afternoon, who drink a few glasses – or more- every night.

According to a story in Redbook Magazine, “An estimated 5.3 million women in the United States have risky drinking habits, and it’s estimated that one in four U.S. children has an alcoholic parent.”

This should shock me. But it doesn’t. This same story quoted three women – all moms – who I know through blogging. I have met all three of them in person and I consider one a very good friend. And though I knew the stories of the first two, I had no idea my good friend Deb had a drinking problem.

I read her words in the magazine piece and I cried. I was terrified. So I called her. And we talked. I know about driveway gatherings in the afternoons. The kids play and the parents relax in lawn chairs, chatting and drinking wine. It happens on my street pretty often. Or you go over a friend’s house and the wine is immediately poured. If you have any sort of drinking issue, it’s easy to hide it where it is socially acceptable. Where you fit in and maybe nobody notices that you didn’t stop at just a glass or two.

I am not a drinker. I had my years where I was, but my husband rarely drinks (he is half-Korean, and many Asians lack the enzyme that breaks down alcohol) and so it’s not part of my daily life. Yes, I have the occasional glass of wine or a beer, but never if my husband is away on business, in case I have to drive my kids somewhere or there is an emergency. I do not need it to be social. I do not need it to dance like a maniac at BlogHer. I do not need it to relax after another grueling day of chasing a boundary-pushing toddler, sparring with a sassy six year-old or engaging in Homework Wars with my second grader.

And so maybe some of the things I see are skewed. Because my normal is different from others. But that doesn’t mean someone else’s normal is not excessive.

I am worried about my friend. She is beautiful. Genuine. Incredibly talented. A kind, thoughtful, wonderful friend. A great mother to two little girls.

All I can offer is my love and support.

Asking a person with a drinking problem to just stop drinking is like telling an anorexic to just eat.

If it were that simple.

If only it were that simple.

Tags: alcoholism, blogher, mothers who drink, Redbook Magazine, wine

Comments

84 Responses to “Drinking – is it your normal?”

Tonya Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:26 am

Thank you for writing this, Cheryl.

I’ll be the first to admit that I love my wine, but I certainly don’t drink every day or even every week, but a glass certainly does take the edge off since becoming a mother.

There are women that I know… moms, “approaching – or already in – middle age” as you mentioned and their drinking/daily consumption scares me. I don’t know if it’s my place to say anything or not.

I’ll just say that I will be sending a link to this post to a few of my friends.
Tonya recently posted..Advice To New Mothers

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:43 pm
Thanks, Tonya. I don’t know the answer, either. For most women, it’s not an issue. But for others…it’s scary.

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Sweaty Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:40 am

Yes, indeed, there’s only a fine line between that one or two glasses of wine to relax and drinking dependently in order to function ‘normally.’

Having struggled with Postpartum Psychosis and later on with depression, I know how some could come to rely on alcohol. For me, because I’m taking meds, I don’t drink alcohol, but sometimes I asked myself if I, too, would resort to that if I weren’t taking meds.

The awareness for drinking problems, as you mentioned, should come not only from the individual, but also from the society as a whole. Just like depression, we, as friends, as family members, need to keep an eye open too. It’s too easy to overlook and blink-and-you’ll-miss it.

Thanks for writing this. I hope many more would read this post.
Sweaty recently posted..Thoughtful Thursday and Other Thursday Hops

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Thank you so much. It’s definitely an issue in our society, whether people want to think it is or not.

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Cheryl D. Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 2:01 am

It is an issue for a lot of people, that’s for sure. As a mom to a daughter who can be a bit challenging at times, I know the feel of temptation. And I give in to it too much. That’s right…my drug of choice is chocolate!

I also love wine and fun, fruity drinks, but I don’t indulge in that as much! Even at BlogHer, I joked that I was the only person who only used 4 of my drink tickets! My issue with alcohol is that it tires me out too much–especially if I have more than one drink. So, I don’t indulge in that as much as chocolate.
Cheryl D. recently posted..Very, Very Protective

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:44 pm
Mmmm….chocolate….

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Annabelle Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:01 am

My mother became an alcoholic late in life.
Though it devastated me to lose her that way (and I did, it ultimately killed her) one of my only comforting thoughts were “thank god this happened after my little brother and I grew up. Thank god I was not raised by this version of her.”
Annabelle recently posted..no, really. where?

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:45 pm
Wow. That’s so very tough. I am so sorry you lost her that way.

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Alison@Mama Wants This Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:13 am

I don’t drink. Not anymore. I do see why some mothers do have the occasional drink. But to drink to excess? That’s heartbreaking. If I know a fellow mom with a drinking problem, I wouldn’t know where to begin to help. I guess getting them to admit a problem is a start. Oh, just such a tough thing.

I hope your friend gets the help she needs. She has you, that’s a great start.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..How To Be The Hostess With The Mostest

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:46 pm
It is very, very tough. And thank you!

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Margaret Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:18 am

Great post.
Sad post as well.

I am a drinker and grew up drinking wine w/Sunday dinner as a child no less. my parents thought nothing of a small glass of wine ON OCCASION…normally my fathers home made wine that he called his Dago Red. (yes my parents are from Italy)Drinking was a part of my life from the time I can remember yet I don’t find it as fascinating as my friends. I often wonder if that is because it wasn’t a mystery to me. And drinking wine wasn’t about getting drunk in my house. Does that make sense?
I don’t drink every day or even every week. But I do like to share a bottle of wine with my hubby and I love a great gin martini.

However, I see friends of mine drinking what I think borders on an issue. I made the mistake of talking to one said friend who talks about drinking all the time all day. “it’s almost afternoon I can pour one soon.” So the fact that she is constantly thinking about it is strange to me as well as a red flag. Apparently to her not drinking until a certain time means she has control and no issue.
She is a mom as well. I have watched this over the years and one day I finally said something which I thought was thoughtful because she was about to pick up one son from school practice and she had just had 4 cocktails while I was there. (who knows how many before I got there) I offered to pick him up and she got belligerent with me. It took a long time (years)to have her call me or want to be around me again. She never has slowed down and she has an excuse for it all the time, marriage on the rocks, oldest left the nest, etc. I have tried it all. It’s horrible to sit and watch.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:48 pm
THat is incredibly sad. At least you tried. Most people refuse to even do that. I was around alcohol for as long as I remember – I grew up Jewish so it’s part of many religious celebrations – so it was never a mystery to me either.

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Evonne Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:39 am

If only it were that simple is right. I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I love a good drink, but I think that is partly why I won’t have a drink after a trying day, as much as I sometimes want to.

I also almost lost someone very close to me because of drinking. Having a drink or 2 is perfectly acceptable, but it can also be a very scary thing.
Evonne recently posted..Scrubbing desks

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:50 pm
How very sad. A few drinks is definitely different for someone who has a drinking problem.

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Jayme (RandomBlogette) Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 10:41 am

I read this too. Too often people use drinking as a way to escape their problems but it can cause even more problems. I drink every know and then but nothing regularly. Mainly it is is if I had a bad day or I am out with friends. I have learned that if I overdo it, like I did this past weekend for my birthday, I will pay the consequences and they aren’t pretty.
Jayme (RandomBlogette) recently posted..This is How We Roll – #Heelys #Review

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:53 pm
It’s just not the same as when we were younger. When I think about what I consumed in college – it would probably kill me now!

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Holly Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 10:48 am

Good point about possibly needing to drive your kids somewhere when your husband is away, Cheryl. I need to remember that the next time I pour myself a glass of wine at dinner when the hubby is traveling. (And I tend to feel I need that glass of wine most often when he is away & I’m holding down the fort.) I was just talking about this subject with some friends. I know a mom who drinks a bottle of wine every night, and my friend says she has a neighbor who is a mother of five (!) who also has a bottle a night habit. There’s no way those women don’t have a drinking problem. Personally, I could never stomach the expense of buying 7 bottles a week, and I also have a recovering alcoholic brother so am very conscious of not overindulging. I do enjoy my wine, but it’s more of a glass of wine over a leisurely family dinner kind of thing.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:55 pm
I think it’s great to enjoy wine and to have a glass at the end of a long day. It’s not my thing, but I’m not judging. I can’t fathom a bottle of wine a night. I’d pass out!

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tulpen Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 10:51 am

I love my wine. On the evenings when I’m not at work, or babysitting for my neighbor, I have a glass or two. A couple times a month, I indulge in more when I get together with my sisters.

I too have a friend, who is falling down drunk several times a week. She’s tried to quit. A few of us have confronted her. She stopped being my friend.
tulpen recently posted..It’s Hard

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:56 pm
I love beer. Does that make me a little white trash?

And what a lonely life that woman must be leading, you know?

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Ryan (The Woven Moments) Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:20 am

I can see the allure of using alcohol to numb. I used overeating, myself. Both are destructive; both can be deadly.

My heart goes out to anyone struggling with addiction.
Ryan (The Woven Moments) recently posted..Downshifting To Enough

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:57 pm
Addiction, in any form, is heartbreaking.

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angela Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:20 am

I think this is such a tough subject; I read the Redbook link you posted yesterday and have been thinking about it a lot. I enjoy drinking occasionally, but not regularly. My family has a history of alcoholism, and I was NOT a responsible drinker during college, so I know how quickly it can spiral out of control.

I think the line of problem/not a problem is different for different people, which makes it such a touchy subject. Your example about the anorexic is so fitting; it isn’t simple, and it’s hard to help people who aren’t ready to be helped
angela recently posted..Read, Sigh, Repeat

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Cheryl Reply:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:59 pm
I was also not reasonable – in high school or college. And you’re right – the line is different. But there is a line.

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Kristy Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 11:30 am

You know that I love my wine, but I am proud to say that I don’t drink everyday – usually not during the work week – and it doesn’t bother me to not have it. If I were at Blogher, not driving, no kids, I would definitely have enjoyed myself without worry! But, yes, I can also get back to reality and be fine.
Kristy recently posted..Happy Birthday!

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Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:00 am
Exactly it. Most people are like you. And that’s how it should be. The ones who can’t stop? Different story.

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Jenny K. Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:02 pm

I’ll be honest, my husband has a drinking problem. He’s currently on the wagon, but man oh man… it is so not normal to drink a six pack of beer in one night, or to rush home from work after a stressful say and need alcohol. I get your standpoint so much.

I really don’t drink. And even at BlogHer, I don’t think I had more than 2-3 drinks in one evening. Was I ever even buzzed? No, because I was going to like 4 parties in one night and not drinking at each party.

My rule has always been that if I drink, it’s only on the weekends. And some weekends? I don’t even drink. It’s not a big deal to me, and I could certainly live without alcohol. But then there are those that can’t imagine life without alcohol, and I seriously wonder what is wrong with them.
Jenny K. recently posted..An Open Letter to CUSD Special Education

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:04 am
Oh, Jen, I’m sorry to hear that about your husband. That’s so very sad.

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Becky Willoughby (@LakesSingleMum) Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I admit that sometimes I drink a whole bottle of wine all by myself. When my marriage broke down this was most nights. Now I can go for weeks without a drink but to be on safe side try to only buy mini bottles which have a single large glass. I don’t NEED alcohol but don’t always stop at a sensible amount,,,
Becky Willoughby (@LakesSingleMum) recently posted..Reasons to be Cheerful XXII (#R2BC)

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:05 am
You know what works for you – and what doesn’t.

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Mandyland Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Thank you so much for writing this.

I’m going to open a window, a tiny window, in this comment box. It’s something I want to write about in more detail and I will one day, but for now…just a comment.

I was married to an alcoholic for nine years. It tweaked my sense of “normal”. I saw first hand the damage alcohol can do to a good person. I saw what it can do to a family.

And now, now that I live alone and can keep an open bottle of wine in my fridge, I find myself having a glass a couple times a week. And I wonder…where does that slippery slope begin? Because I know where it ends.
Mandyland recently posted..You Wanna Know…

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:06 am
Mandy – I don’t even know what to say. I think some people are prone to it more than others, some people use it differently.. Such a tough thing. Hugs to you xo

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Eileen Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 1:22 pm

Thanks for posting this. I do not drink, as I have a mother who is an alcoholic. I sometimes feel like I don’t know what normal is either. I have no problem with people who want a drink or two – I recognize that I’m the abnormal one. However, I came back from a trip to Europe with said mother and a friend, and had to ask someone “How many glasses of wine in a day is normal?” The answer was that 10-12 glasses every day of the vacation was NOT normal, and even sadder it was the friend who was leading the charge, rather than my mother.

This friend is a single mom, who’s ex is actually legally insane and not allowed near them. She has no family, and resources are tight. She’s been through hell, and I’ve watched her go through it, but it still hurts to think that by numbing her pain, she’s also numbing her positive emotions and opportunities for the future.

I appreciate that you wrote about this today – if nothing else, awareness can help us care for our sisters out there.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:08 am
That’s all it’s about. Awareness.

Yegads that woman has a lot going on. How tragic, on all counts.

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Johanna Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 2:35 pm

There are definitely women I know who rely on wine to get them through the day. Big hugs to your friend who sounds like she is struggling with a lot right now!
Johanna recently posted..A Missoni (for Target) Moment

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:08 am
Thanks, Johanna!

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Ash Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 3:19 pm

A very near and dear subject. It might surprise some, because I do joke about drinking, but I’m a granddaughter and a niece of alcoholics (Mother and son). I do have a glass or two of wine fairly regularly during the week, I’m fortunate that I didn’t inherit the addiction issue. I often wonder though if it’s because I’m tuned into it. Not sure.

A friend and I once had a conversation that everyone has some type of passion, whether it be food, alcohol, spending money, blogging, etc. A habit that offers comfort. The difference is being aware of where the line is, and having the strength to not cross it. Not always easy. Definitely personal.

An important topic for sure.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:09 am
Exactly. And some passions are, unfortunately, potentially deadly.

I am very glad it is not an issue for you. xo

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Jen Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I don’t really know what to add. This is such a slippery slope.
Jen recently posted..Locked Out

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Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:09 am
It is. It definitely is.

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Lady Jennie Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I recognized that I had a drinking problem when I accompanied someone else to a help group. DOH! So I haven’t had anything to drink for about 12 years or so. I’m glad my children will never see a different me. Sometimes I regret that I can’t fit in by drinking but that only reinforces the fact that I have a problem.

Glad there are others at BlogHer who are sober (or nearly so).
Lady Jennie recently posted..French Cultural Etiquette

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:11 am
Most people at BlogHer did not have drinking problems. But some did, and I just wanted to bring awareness that it could really be anyone.

Also, CONGRATS on 12 years. Amazing!!

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Mrs. Wonder Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I was horrified to watch a very drunk woman at BlogHer make out with a man she had just met. It was not the image I had in mind for the conference. I loved the parties, but there were so many drunk ladies at night, it definitely made me wonder if that was why they came to the conference.
Even in my early 20′s, I never drank as much as my friends, blacking out or with crazy stories. But now outdrink my mommy friends on a regular basis when we are together.
I worry where the line is all the time, since I have a family member who drinks a lot, and I don’t want to parent and show that example.
I haven’t gotten to read the article, but I will be when my son naps.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:12 am
My heels were too high to drink that much at the parties.

I hope, if you feel you need it, you talk to someone about it. Why not, right?

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Mrs. Wonder Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:34 am
I didn’t wear heels to BlogHer. I’m already 5’9

If I ever think I have a problem, I would willingly talk to someone… But I really, truly, don’t. I just hold my liquor better (we’re talking 2-3 drinks max when out with the girls every couple of months.) But it’s something in the back of my mind all of the time.
When I pour a drink when my husband gets home, it’s always a short glass of wine. Just because I dont need it to be a big one.

That article is sobering. I hope any parent to drinks on a regular basis to unwind after a long day reads it too.
Mrs. Wonder recently posted..What really happens on a farm

[Reply]
Tasha Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 5:04 pm

What I loved about this post is that you took on a sensitive topic to many. One in which you not only don’t struggle with, but that you don’t really indulge in too often, and came across not as judgmental or as an elitist, but as empathetic and concerned.

That is a very difficult thing to do. Well done.

I am an occasional drinker. I love a good dark beer, a cold summer ale when it is hot, and a great glass of red with an excellent meal.

But, I will admit, that when I am stressed overwhelmed, I daydream about drinking a bottle of wine straight to my head to numb out.

It is good to know what you are capable of. It is much easier to see yourself in the struggles of others that way.
Tasha recently posted..Calling

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:18 am
Thank you so much. Truly. Not everyone who reads this post will see me as non-judgmental.

I struggle with other things, but this was on my mind because of my friend. I also love a cold beer, a glass of pinot grigio, a flute of champagne, or a really good margarita.

And believe me, I’ve had my moments and I can see how things happen and yes, it helps with being empathetic.

[Reply]
julie gardner Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I am so glad you posted this. I’ve actually been thinking about this subject…because I do enjoy wine or the occasional margarita (or two). On the weekends. Under the right circumstances.

But.

In the blogging/twitter world, it seems like a constant easy joke to throw out there. And when I’m leaving a quick comment or trying to be funny in 140 characters, it’s often a knee-jerk response – to laugh about opening the bottle. Or mixing the pitcher.

I just wrote a post about a weekend trip to Palm Desert where I “overindulged” but I made it “funny” (even though the event had more to do with dehydration and I was miserable – not amused).

So I worry a little that I’m giving the wrong impression of myself for the sake of entertainment. And I wonder how many of us are joking and how many are serious. And now I’m also worried that I may joke about this with someone for whom drinking is a problem. That I may accidentally/unintentionally offend.

On most weekdays (barring a birthday or anniversary or Valentine’s Day) I do not drink. I don’t enjoy the feeling of even one glass of wine when the kids have homework and I have responsibilities like laundry, cooking, dishes. That’s the truth.

However, I do have friends who ALWAYS expect that a get-together means drinks. So I don’t even want to meet up during the week with them.

I wish I were (like you) comfortable “just saying no” but I tend more toward the “go with the flow” attitude. I do have some social anxiety and hate rocking the boat.

I don’t have to drink to have fun. But if people are drinking, I usually do, too.

So. There. I don’t know what any of this all means. But it’s a one-way conversation I wanted to have.
julie gardner recently posted..Today call me phun.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:20 am
Hee! Those margaritas we had were good, tho.

We have no idea who’s joking and who’s serious. I would guess most are joking.

I think the thing is that women with drinking problems don’t look like women with drinking problems, if that makes sense, so it’s tough to know. Plus, on the internet, how much CAN you really know?

[Reply]
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 6:43 pm

I think everyone’s definition of normal or a problem is different. For example, I like to drink wine but I drink it as more of an appreciation for it, studying it, writing about. My father was a wine collector so I grew up thinking about wine in a different way than most people.
This topic is definitely a slippery slope.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:23 am
You would love my sister and bro-in-law. BIL is some sort of certified wine guy (not a sommallier, however you spell that). They have parties to celebrate a new wine release, having cases shipped over from France. You would be HEAVEN at their house, poking in their wine cellar.

I love that you now have a gig writing about it because I know what an appreciation you have for it.

[Reply]
My Inner Chick Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 7:26 pm

—Nobody can make one stop smoking, drinking, doing drugs, throwing up -etc…. We can only be there for support & love. That’s it. Sometimes that’s enough. x
My Inner Chick recently posted..Always Missing You

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:25 am
Exactly. Support.

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elissapr Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:05 pm

I’m with you on the drinking issue. I always look with a wary eye on the number of mommy tweets inolving wine after a particularly trying moment/day. And? I. just. don’t. get. it. A glass of wine with my DH over dinner or with friends? Fine. But there are more moms that you and I even know of that use wine as a ‘friend’. This isn’t social drinking. It’s a problem.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:29 am
The tweets don’t really bother me – except when they come from people who have admitted having a problem. It’s tough to know what’s really going on with people, you know?

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Laci Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 9:48 pm

I hardly ever drink. When I do it is a glass (or most of the time a half glass) of wine. I grew up in a family where my parents didn’t drink in front us kids except every now and again, like wine with Christmas dinner often. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking what if something happens to the kids and I have to take them to the er and I’m drunk what would they think!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:31 am
My parents drank as part of our religious traditions, so alcohol was around and not a mystery.

When my husband is home, I don’t worry so much because he’s always the designated driver!

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Gigi Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I agree ash. Everyone has something that they can get so wrapped up in that they start to lose a sense of priority. I think the crossing the line is different for every person too. I have recovering alcoholics in my family and it won’t be an issue for me

I think we need to be not too alarmist tho Cheryl. Not every woman who has a glass of wine with dinner or indulges at a blOg conference is a case for intervention. Yes, a lot of people joke about their consumption in social media. For most, it’s just that. A joke. Let’s keep things in perspective, lest we start also calling CPS on every mom who says on twitter she wants to give her kids away.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:51 am
I don’t think it’s alarmist, Gigi. Hardly.

I wrote that for MOST people, those things you mention are NOT a problem.

Let’s keep things in perspective: there are women who have drinking problems. Some you would never guess. Like my beautiful friend Debbie.

[Reply]
Alison Says:
September 15th, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Thanks for posting this. There really is a fine line between normal drinking and problem drinking, and even if your drinking starts off normal, you can end up with a problem before you even realize it. Things spiral out of control quickly. I drank every day throughout high school and into college, and even passed my drivers license test drunk (yeah, I had a problem, and that is scary to even think about). So now I rarely drink, because I have a hard time knowing when to stop before I get too drunk, which is easy when you’re drinking liquor (I don’t like wine or beer). So many women have bad drinking habits that can potentially become addictions, and bringing awareness to it is important.
Alison recently posted..Locked Out!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 12:53 am
Yes. I remember my days of Captain Morgan. And a brief flirtation with Bushmills.

I do believe awareness is important. Thank you so much for your comment!

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Anastasia Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 8:29 am

I don’t really drink at all. Both my parents are aloholics so I worry about my genetics. I have a friend who can finish a bottle of wine in one night, every night. And since it’s wine she thinks that’s ok. In her head it’s not like she’s drinking beer or vodka all night. I think the wine can be misleading sometimes. I hope speaking out so publicly will be the catalyst your friend needs.
Anastasia recently posted..How Not To Break Up With Someone-Red Writing Hood

[Reply]
Jessica Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:10 am

How scary and, once again, i am glad that you are talking about a subject that we rarely hear about. I can imagine it would be easy to hide a problem like this when you are alone with just kids so often and that much harder to stop because of the nature of life as a mom. I truly hope she finds help, it sounds like she has amazing support in you.
Jessica recently posted..A Musical Life

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Emmy Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 11:12 am

This is part of the reason I have wondered if I would want to go to a blogging conference- I love dancing and partying and meeting new people, but I don’t drink and most people seem to talk more about the parties of the conferences then the conference itself.
Emmy recently posted..Favorite Color Swap: My Goodies!

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Ciaran Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 2:06 pm

I don’t doubt the 1 out of 4 statement at all. Not when I go to the supermarket at 7 on a Tuesday and half the women (and men) are buying 8 bottle of wine and a sandwich. They are not all collectors. Nor are my neighbors merely socializing when they sit out on the curb till midnight, their kids putting themselves to bed while they polish off bottle after bottle. What *I* wonder about is, was it always this bad? Did I just not have the eyes to see it? Growing up I never knew any alcoholics. My parents drank socially but minimally. Alcohol was not withheld from me, even as a teen. But like many people in my family I don’t get drunk. I go from minimal buzz to splitting headache. So I guess the temptation, the allure is not there for me. Despite that, I have been known to say “I need a drink!” I’ll have to think about how/when/why I say it. It’s become such a figure of speech, I say it when what I really mean is I need a break. I’m as likely, or more likely to pour a cup of tea or coffee than a cocktail.

I’m so saddened and alarmed by all the alcoholism I’ve encountered as an adult. Alcohol is a depressant and the effect of alcoholism is a chasm of trust, a loss of intimacy and a disconnect with loved ones that can take a lifetime to repair.It’s tragic and I bet it’s causing at least as many “issues” (probably more!) in our society right at this very minute as obesity, diabetes, depression and other popular scapegoat diseases. Alcoholism isn’t just about the alcoholic – this is a disease that infects a whole family. Was it always this way? Why don’t we (as a society) talk about it more?
Ciaran recently posted..{Tutorial} Fab Ideas for Covering School Books

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laura Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Naturally as soon as I saw that our mutual friend was quoted in a magazine, I rushed right over to read the article myself. I never once got the impression this dear woman has a ‘drinking problem’. Depending on how each of us chooses to live our own lives depends on how we as individuals defines what a problem is, which is why I may find this post to be a bit alarmist, but others may not. The definition in all of this is purely depends on a persons interpretation.

What I saw in that particular article is a woman who is responsible enough to analyze her situation and recognize it’s possibilities should she become reckless. I admire a woman who is strong enough to stand in front of the mirror and not be afraid of what she sees. She does not hide who she is, or what she does.

Lastly, on a personal note I’d like to add that I do not find it a bad thing to have a drink when your husband is away. Mine, in a time coming closer than I’d like to believe, will be gone for 8 full months. He will miss all the major holidays and even our twin girls’ birthday. I have no family, and very few friends who actually live close. You can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be having a glass or two of wine a night or two a week.

So, to answer the question in the post title, yes drinking is my normal and I’m A-OK with that.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I don’t find it a bad thing for anyone else to have a glass of wine or two when their husbands are away, just for ME, personally. Comes with being a lightweight. That, and I’d also rather just have ice cream.

There are so many, many factors that enter into whether someone has a problem. There are screening tests like this one http://www.alcoholscreening.org/Home.aspx which can give someone a general idea of where their usage falls. There are definitely guidelines, and so it’s not entirely subjective – even if the person does not think they have a problem.

lastly, i love deb and i am so very, very proud of her.

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Jack@TheJackB Says:
September 16th, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I won’t let my kids have playdates with a certain family because both parents have drinking problems.

I don’t care about one drink a night, but their definition of one is closer to one per hour. I worry about their kids.

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Cheryl Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 10:04 pm
Yikes. Don’t blame you.

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Theresa Sonoda Says:
September 17th, 2011 at 1:32 am

I believe I’ve told you that I was raised by a chronic alcoholic Mom. I remember a lot of it because she started when I was around 9 or 10, drinking with the neighbor wives and having Rummy parties with the girls and drinking. It seemed fine when I was 10 because I could sneak the yummy food. It got really bad by the time I was 12 and life was pretty horrible until I left for the Air Force at 18. I know the statistics are that children of alcoholics are prone to it, but I am a very light drinker. A glass of wine or two, a couple times a week. My little sister doesn’t even drink that much. We’ve talked about it since growing up and come to the conclusion that neither of us wanted to be anything like our Mom. So we aren’t, thank goodness. Oh we have our problems, but not the drinking. I just didn’t want my kids growing up being ashamed of me like I was of her. Ok I’ll shut up now, but I do understand your worry about your dear friend. Give her your support and love. I sure hope all turns out well for her and her family. Maybe telling her my story might help. You just never know what triggers someone into change.
Theresa Sonoda recently posted..The Tall Grass

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Amanda Says:
September 17th, 2011 at 8:26 pm

great awareness post. I read that article when Redbook arrived at my door. It was crazy. I don’t have experience with this but I see where it can be scary! I would be the gal at Blogher (didn’t go this year) that doesn’t drink because I just don’t like to and don’t like the way I feel when I do. Praying for all the ladies out there who do have these issues…. you are all wonderful people and I pray you get help!!!
Amanda recently posted..Have you ever had one of these days????

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Nancy C Says:
September 18th, 2011 at 8:23 am

I met a few bloggers in real life and drank too much. I’m so said I squandered that opportunity.
Nancy C recently posted..Mate for Life

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Sue the Desperate Housemommy Says:
September 18th, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Seems to me that it has become somewhat fashionable to embrace the notion of the Mom with Alcoholic Tendencies personna. You know…the “Is it Friday yet,” “These kids are driving me to drink” attitude. We buy each other quippy birthday cards and cocktail napkins as hostess gifts with retro images that glorify this image. It’s “heroin chic” for the new millenium, and it makes it that much easier for true alcoholism to go unrecognized, especially among moms. Just an observation.
Sue the Desperate Housemommy recently posted..The Arrivederci Ring – Stella & Dot Giveaway

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Gayletrini Says:
September 19th, 2011 at 10:25 am

Strange how things work out! I woke up this morning to write a post about overdrinking in my country! I need the reminder that your last two lines offer.

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Rusti Says:
September 19th, 2011 at 11:36 am

wonderfully written post… I have an aunt who was an alcoholic for 20 years, she’s been sober for 16 years now. 3 of her kids were raised by their grandparents, as she wasn’t able to care for them herself.

growing up my parents never kept alcohol in the house, I only saw the occasional can/bottle of beer at my grandparents’ house, or a different aunt’s house. now my parents will generally have beer, wine and some liquor in the house, but they don’t indulge regularly. my FIL keeps a kegerator in his garage, and full, year round. I’ve never met anyone who can drink as much as him, and still not act drunk.

it’s odd that two people from such different backgrounds growing up are so in-tune in our own house. Hubs & I sometimes have beer/Smirnoff Ice in the fridge, sometimes we don’t. we have a wine rack full of wine in the basement, but neither of us drink wine. we have several bottles of vodka (Hubs’ liquor of choice) that have never been opened that were purchased on our cruise 3.5 years ago. we have the occasional drink, and I admit – I TALK more about drinking than I ever actually drink (especially on The Twitter.) I may have a drink a week… or I may go several without.

when I found out I was pregnant at 6wks I didn’t take a sip of alcohol again until after we’d weaned from nursing when my daughter was 13.5 months old… it never was important enough to me to have a drink, and waste the breastmilk. I’m an oddity in that, at least among my friends and family – their favorite saying was “pump & dump!” it just wasn’t for me.

sorry for the extremely long, rambling, topic-jumping, post-length comment…

you did a great job with this post.
Rusti recently posted..S.H.I.T.-So Happy It’s Thursday link-up #8

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Carri Says:
September 19th, 2011 at 12:26 pm

My neighbor’s 2 year old drown in the bath tub because he left the bathroom to answer the phone.It turns out he was about six beers deep.
I’ll never forget that.
Sure, we all like to have a drink, but to put it before your children? Sickening.
To make matters worse, he didn’t stop drinking; the death only fueled his fire.
Carri recently posted..Your Burning Questions, Answered

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San Diego Momma Says:
September 19th, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Thanks Cheryl for writing this post, and for your supportive call after the article was published last week.

The whole over drinking issue may be different for all women — sometimes it’s situational, other times it’s emotional, and in the worst times, it’s compulsive.

I agreed to be interviewed for the Redbook article because I’ve come to see over the past year especially, that my three glasses of wine a night were becoming something I really, really looked forward to as a decompression mechanism.

Drinking — while still enjoyable for me — is beginning to cross the line into an anxiety salve, and I need to watch that slippery slope carefully.

I wanted to be honest about how I use/d wine to de-stress because I thought other women might see themselves and it would encourage reflection and re-assessment.

I’m still in the midst of figuring it out for myself.

But I am so blessed to be surrounded by love and support.

XO
San Diego Momma recently posted..The Sprint Navigator Experience

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wendy @ mama one to three Reply:
September 23rd, 2011 at 9:10 pm
thank you for your courage. I hate that as women we often act like if we aren’t perfect, we’d better pretend we are. I read an interesting article by a vogue editor last year about her nightly wine drinking and I definitely saw myself. I don’t have judgement for it, nor do I have concern. It’s just what it is at the moment. good luck to you.
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..Standing Taller. Falling Over.

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Ellie Says:
September 20th, 2011 at 2:29 pm

I just typed a long comment, went to publish it and it crashed. So perhaps the universe is sending me a message not to say this, but I think I have to.

This is Ellie, from the article. We all did the article – Deb, Corinne, Heather and I – because the stigma and judgment that surround women and drinking (particularly mothers) is SO STRONG, and we need to get more open, honest discussion about it, so the women who are struggling in silence feel brave enough to ask for help, to know they aren’t alone.

In some of the comments here I see judgment, and it scares me. When someone comes forward and admits they are an alcoholic, a big, fat label is stamped on their heads, and it’s really hard for people to see around the label, to the suffering human inside. Especially mothers. There is still a lot of collective denial around mothers and alcoholism.

Alcoholism is a disease, and someone in it’s grips can no more control their drinking than a diabetic can control their insulin levels. I know how hard it is to understand that concept when you haven’t experienced it first (or even second) hand, and that’s one of the main reasons there are so many sober mother bloggers telling their story – to help people understand.

And what Deb did is possibly the bravest thing of all – because there are hundreds of thousands of women who are in the middle-space – not alcoholics, necessarily – but nervous about their own drinking habits and not sure where to turn. I received dozens upon dozens of emails from women who identified with Deb’s words, and as a result have the courage to face their own drinking. Her words brought the topic of moms and drinking out into the open and brought us ALL forward in our understanding of how pervasive the mommy-drinking culture is.

I guess the best analogy I can think of is if the article had been about someone who has an over-eating disorder, who spoke about turning to food for comfort. I don’t think people would say things like “well, I can have only one cupcake.. why can’t she? Doesn’t she know she’s harming her body and setting bad example for her children?”

My greatest hope is that we can get to a place where women can talk as openly about drinking as they do about other struggles.

Thank you, Cheryl, for posting about it – the more we talk, ask questions and even debate about it, the more we all grow and learn.

-Ellie
Ellie recently posted..On The Inside

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wendy @ mama one to three Reply:
September 23rd, 2011 at 9:07 pm
thank you for giving me more to think about. I haven’t read the original article yet, but I also fear for the way women are so quick to judge. thank you for this.
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..Standing Taller. Falling Over.

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Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri Says:
September 22nd, 2011 at 3:37 pm

This is an important post. And I am glad you wrote it.
Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri recently posted..Turning 38

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themombshell Says:
September 24th, 2011 at 9:31 pm

The thing about blogging that I love is the freedom to write about your opinions and experiences how you see them, how you feel them in a space that is your own, a space where you are entitled to expression and discussion. I enjoyed reading this post, eloquently written as per the norm.
themombshell recently posted..yeah, that.

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Alexandra Says:
September 27th, 2011 at 6:13 pm

How did I miss all this???

I was at BlogHer, but I didn’t drink.

But I did see drunk bloggers.
Alexandra recently posted..A ScaryMommy

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Dana Says:
October 5th, 2011 at 1:00 am

I’m relatively a new kid in the blogging/twitter realm. I didn’t go to BlogHer (although I drooled over the hashtag wishing I were there) but I will say this much about alcohol. I love my beer… My porters, stouts, wheats and ales… I’m a fan. I consistently enjoy 1-2 per day. I drink responsibly and make sure my kids know the difference and red flags to watch for in their peers as they age.

Had I been at BlogHer – I may have enjoyed a few more than this. I can abstain when I need to, but I’d probably enjoy letting loose in a large safe-ish setting like this. Not having to care for kids, to enjoy the safety of not driving, and to not feel like I’d get “hit on” in a bar setting would be dreamy. (I totally don’t do bars!)

However, I’ve also been close to alcoholism. I endured a lifetime of it as a child, and we’ve had a few very close friends and family go through AA. Self control is so helpful in supporting your friends. Many who are suffering from this and going through a program will try to tell you that it’s “no big deal” if you drink, and that they don’t mind. My husband and I have opted to not even offer “drinks” when we entertain sober friends. It’s not an option for anyone. Later, we always hear that it is appreciated to have that pressure removed.

Perhaps this could be an opportunity for sponsorship of parties that are drink-free? Collectively, if women are able to connect with like-minded women who share the same personal choices, some great bonds can form, and we can lift these women up who need our support!
Dana recently posted..Where my tweeps @? – A story of hashtags, handles and hearts – (and maybe some free swag at parties and for being popular)

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