Bullyhood

by Cheryl, posted on October 3rd, 2010 in Just me

If you have never been bullied, then you cannot get it.

You can empathize. You can imagine.

But you can’t get it.

You don’t know the clawing of fear in your stomach. The rush of heat and sick when it really is fight or flight.

The shame.

The isolation.

The wondering, why? Why me?

The rage.

The retreat. The shrinking of your spirit.

The vigilance. Against attack, against standing out.

Knowing you truly are different.

You must be.

The contorting into something else, something that will make them not see you at all.

Because then they can’t hurt you.

Then you won’t see the killer gaze they pin you with, the derisive smile as they close in.

You learn defense. Words. Attitude.

And no matter how old you get, how many years have passed, it never entirely leaves.

You are always on guard.

Now you anguish over your kids, because you know you could not take it if – for one second - they felt what you did.

When your son comes to you, bewildered and teary and so, so little, and asks, “Why was he mean? Why doesn’t he want to be my friend?”

You die a bit inside.

You cry.

Then you talk.

You tell him kids can be that way. You show him he has lots of friends. You practice what he can say. You teach him to defend himself.

You worry worry worry.

There was no internet when we were young. No Facebook or MySpace or Twitter or texting.

Maybe only a few kids saw you as a target. Now it’s the whole school, the whole town, the entire world.

At least I’m sure it feels that way.

Because you know.

And you hope your kids can empathize. And imagine.

But you never, never want your kids to get it.

Please take a moment to watch these two videos (if you haven’t already). One is a message from Ellen DeGeneres.

And one is from a campaign called It Gets Better.

And please, please talk to your kids about bullying. You could save a life.

Tags: bullying, Ellen DeGeneres, It Gets Better

Comments

51 Responses to “Bullyhood”

Varda (SquashedMom) Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 6:50 am

Cheryl, thank you for writing this. I so totally get it, and I think a lot of us here in the blogosphere do, too (we’re WRITERS, many of us were weird, bookish kids.)

With Jacob on the autism spectrum, that just ups the ante for bullying 1000%. Not in his Special Ed school, but when he goes out into the world, especially as the kids get older and meaner. Ethan’s friends and classmates are now asking “Why is you brother so weird? Is he crazy?”

Like you, I worry, and I also don’t know what to do.
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Sitting Here in Limbo

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 12:47 pm
I hold hope kids are more sensitive about it now because they all know kids on the spectrum. But I don’t know… Sawyer is very sensitive and I’m afraid he’ll become a target..

[Reply]
Varda (SquashedMom) Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Also I wanted to add that Adrienne of No Points For Style has written some really amazing/moving/gut wrenching posts on bullying, starting with this one: http://www.nopointsforstyle.com/2010/03/lessons-my-bullies-taught-me.html
Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted..Twinkle- Twinkle- Little Poopyhead

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 10:09 pm
Thanks for sharing. I’ve read it before. I hope other people will read it too.
Stacey @ Entropified Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 11:28 am

Love the video.
Stacey @ Entropified recently posted..The Cutest Smaller Editions

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Amazing, isn’t it?

[Reply]
Laura @ The Things I Said I'd Never Do Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Dealing with bullying is the thing that most terrifies me about my son growing up. I just don’t know how to handle it. I was minorly bullied as a kid but my brother was picked on mercilessly and my husband had it even worse. My husband was luckily enough to have aware parents who helped him through it. Otherwise he had it so bad he could have easily been another statistic.

Thank you for writing this post. If just one parent can keep their child from being a bully it could save a life. Sadly, the biggest bullies are the ones that don’t have positive parental influences.
Laura @ The Things I Said I’d Never Do recently posted..Why I Dont Coupon

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 12:49 pm
So true. There are reasons a child becomes a bully. I think having strong, aware parents – like your husband has – goes a long way to protecting our kids. It’s so terrifying, all of it.

[Reply]
Cheryl D. Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Excellent post! As a mom to a girl with Asperger’s, I really worry about this. Kids with Asperger’s are often sought out by bullies because they’re different and often don’t have a lot of friends to defend them.
Cheryl D. recently posted..Anything at All

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 3:49 pm
I can’t even imagine. I really talk to my kids about being kind to everyone. Sawyer definitely is. Sage? Jury’s still out.

[Reply]
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 2:23 pm

This brought tears to my eyes Cheryl. Thank you for this wonderful and important post. I did see the Ellen message but hadn’t seen this one. Thanks for sharing.

It makes me so sad and worried for my kids. My son had one (a bully) in preschool! In preschool!! He still talks about this boy…almost a year later. His little mind cannot wrap around the concept of why someone would be so mean. And…at that young age, I honestly don’t get it. Especially when parents don’t step in b/c that would be the time to take hold and change that behavior before he grows up to be a big bully. It’s frustrating and sad.

Thanks again for sharing such a personal and important message.
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) recently posted..A Sign of the TimesScreaming Children Will Not be Tolerated!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 3:50 pm
It is really sad how early it starts. We’ve noticed that some of the bully kids are the youngest in their family, so maybe they are getting bullied by older sibs and now are ready to find someone “weaker” than them to target.

[Reply]
Shell Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 6:02 pm

I definitely get it. It’s been years and years, but I’ll never forget that feeling.

I pray my kids never have to deal with it.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 6:05 pm
Yep, the feeling never quite leaves us, does it?

[Reply]
Renee Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Good post. A much needed message.

I was fortunate not to have been a target.

My daughter was socially strong and was never bullied either. Now I have a grandson and soon it will be his turn to step out. I hope that his parents and both sets of grandparents are ready to be aware of what’s happening with him, so we can help and guide him.
Renee recently posted..Creature Comfort

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:26 pm
You were indeed fortunate, as was your daughter. It’s not something you ever want to experience, and even more so, you never want it to happen to your kids.

[Reply]
Corinne Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Bullying scares me to death… I was a victim of bullying growing up, but like you said – home was a safe haven. With the internet, with texting, with all of these “wonderful” advances in technology comes a darkness that I hope my kids will not know.
Corinne recently posted..For mine- for yours- for all of ours

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:31 pm
It is so, so scary. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

[Reply]
Aging Mommy Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:19 pm

You are so right, if you experience bullying for whatever reason at school it never leaves you and you always look for that slight, preparing yourself for it and building an extra wall of protection around yourself to prevent anything or anyone from hurting too deeply. The effects are life long.
Aging Mommy recently posted..A Safe Bet

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:32 pm
You are so, so right. So right.

[Reply]
Jen Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Bullying scares me, not only that my kids will be bullied but that they might be one.

We will talk and have talked about this.
Jen recently posted..Because My Kids Say Things That Make Me Laugh

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 3rd, 2010 at 11:09 pm
Oh yes – I can’t even imagine what I’d do if one of my kids was a bully.

[Reply]
Rudri Says:
October 3rd, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Technology has definitely taken bullying to a new level. A very honest and important post Cheryl. I don’t have any answers, but hope to instill a healthy sense of self in my daughter so that she is never a perpetrator or victim of bullying.
Rudri recently posted..Happy Birthday Being Rudri!

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
We talk about being kind a LOT. Hopefully it will sink in.

[Reply]
Sherri Says:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:24 am

Thank you for posting this. It’s a very important topic for parents and kids to discuss, both from a being bullied and from a being the bully standpoint. We were just talking about this subject the other day at school. One of the best ways to help put a stop to bullying is to teach the bystanders what to do. So many times, other kids stand around and DO nothing. And so it continues. So by talking to all of our kids about all of the roles that are played out in an episode of bullying, maybe we can help stop the trend.
Sherri recently posted..Dear You Guys

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 6:28 pm
That is a really, really good point. It’s really hard to be the one to step in. Everyone is so afraid of being bullied they’ll just say nothing.

[Reply]
Mrs.Mayhem Says:
October 4th, 2010 at 8:29 am

What a moving video.

I get bullying, and I worry about a couple of my kids being bullied. I already know that I would do whatever it took to stop the bullying (whether switching schools, homeschooling, etc).
Mrs.Mayhem recently posted..Attack of the Bathroom Vandals

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 6:29 pm
I, too, would go to any means necessary to keep me kids safe.

[Reply]
Jennifer Says:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I was bullied. A lot.

It seems so silly when I look back at it, because what they were bullying me over was so lame. But it mattered SO much to me.

Junior High and High School were the worst times ever for me. I ultimately withdrew from the whole process of being social with my piers and opted to make conversation with teachers, or to make friends that went to different schools. Girls can be so mean. Then to top it off, I was bullied at home (which is a whole can of worms I’m not going to open right now).

My husband was never bullied, so he doesn’t really “get it” like I do, but we both agree that our children are not to be the bullying type. But I guess that worries me that they will be the ones that get bullied.
Jennifer recently posted..OCFA Fire Station Open Houses – Saturday- October 2nd 9a-2p

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 6:46 pm
I am very sad to hear this! I feel for you. I do.

[Reply]
Pamela Says:
October 4th, 2010 at 12:52 pm

You’ve described that feeling so perfectly that it actually brought back some old, buried memories of mine. So, thanks for that – JK! Seriously, it’s something that needs to be talked about & it breaks my heart for any child going through it.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 4th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
Sorry! Ack! I have no idea if it’s part of the curriculum in school, but it absolutely should be.

[Reply]
Cyrene @ Mum In FlipFlops Says:
October 5th, 2010 at 12:12 am

Reading or hearing news about bullied kids who didn’t think that life can get better just breaks my heart every time. I agree, parents need to talk to their children and become involved in their lives. Most especially the parents of those who are reported to be doing the bullying.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 5th, 2010 at 12:36 am
We as a society cannot allow a culture of bullying. That would go a long way, I think.

[Reply]
mommakiss Says:
October 5th, 2010 at 12:04 pm

I was bullied. We moved around a lot. I was teased. Had my hair pulled. Called a slut [because my boobs grew early]. It’s awful. And I have deep deep fear for any child that bullies a kid of mine. It’s one of the most awful thing to have to experience.
mommakiss recently posted..a MommaKiss memory-If Only

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
I know exactly how you feel about worrying about your kids. Exactly.

[Reply]
Alexandra Says:
October 5th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

I think I told you that Baby E came downstairs with all his curls cut off by his own hand, because his soccer team had been calling him “curly girly hair.”

Yeah, I cried.
Alexandra recently posted..Helping A Sister Out Guest Post at On The Verge

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
I don’t think I knew that! Poor Baby E. And you know how much I adore him!!

[Reply]
mommakiss Reply:
October 7th, 2010 at 1:41 pm
that is AWFUL. I remember you telling me he cut it, but not why. Kids can be such assholes!!!
mommakiss recently posted..Shining Stones

[Reply]
Wendy Says:
October 5th, 2010 at 9:49 pm

Bully scars run deep. I still get a twinge of insecurity around teenagers.

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 6th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Teenagers? THE WORST. Although every age has its bullies..

[Reply]
Holly Says:
October 6th, 2010 at 10:14 pm

I never experienced bullying growing up, and I worry that I shrug off too easily my 8 yo’s comments about a classmate pushing him in the bathroom, or bothering him at the back of the line out of the teacher’s line of sight, or pushing his head against the window on the school bus. This is a kid who was friends with my son two years ago — not the stereotypical bully — and I now fear I’m underreacting. I tend to discuss with my child, not react with calls to the school, and thus far have taken comfort in my son’s comment that he thinks the bully “feels small inside and does this to feel bigger.” (Not that it makes the bully’s behavior acceptable.) Thank you for the heads up to follow up, Cheryl.
Holly recently posted..Happiness- Six Year Old Style

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 7th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
It should all be taken seriously. If you don’t advocate for your son, no one will, you know? Keep me posted!

[Reply]
Phyllis Says:
October 7th, 2010 at 9:53 am

Cheryl,

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I REALLY need to re-post this…. Can I link it to my site? Our house is currently dealing with bullying at our son’s school. Why the hell does it have to start SO damn young?? What the hell is our world coming to? What the hell is WRONG with these people that they think bullying is ok?

My first grade son, who would cry like mad whenever he could NOT go to school last year because of illness, is BEGGING me to let him stay home. He tells me he hates school. When asked why I got “I’m bored” or “they’re teaching me baby stuff” (Buddy is academically advanced. And we’re working on changing this aspect.)

Now it’s “I hate school” with NO explanation… until this morning! My first grader informed me during our commute to his school that he has been pushed around on the playground by the third graders. Talk about wanting to hit the brakes!! Uggggggggghhhhhh! I so wanna scream!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS POST! I’m gonna go pray now that God can turn the hearts of these hate-filled people!
Phyllis recently posted..Thoughts from This Mamas Chair- A Mighty Revelation

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 7th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
Sure, you can link!

Bullying is encouraging by politicians and religious leaders and anyone else who makes laws or speeches putting one group as inferior or amoral to others. It’s sick and sad and infuriating for sure.

Definitely talk to your school. Third graders should totally know better – that’s ridiculous!

[Reply]
CDG Says:
October 9th, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Thank you, Cheryl for sharing.

For reminding me to stay vigilant, both that my son knows his worth and that he more importantly knows the values of others as he grows and goes out into the world.
CDG recently posted..Dot Com

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 10th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
I don’t think we can ever be TOO vigilant, you know?

[Reply]
Helena Says:
October 9th, 2010 at 5:38 pm

This is so important. I get it, and I wish I didn’t. I have read a lot of posts about this in the past week, and I hope people are listening. There is another one that really speaks to me over at Danoah, which you might like.

Here, I grabbed the link: http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html
Helena recently posted..Wait- youre saying this DOESNT make you think of breast cancer

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 10th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
Yeah, i wish I didn’t get it, too. Thanks for the link. I will definitely check it out.

[Reply]
Grimmgirl Says:
October 9th, 2010 at 6:08 pm

My son seems to get what it means to not be a bully at school, but he has some terrible days with his brother, as though bullying him doesn’t count. We’re working on it.
Grimmgirl recently posted..It was the Best of Times It was the Loneliest of Times

[Reply]
Cheryl Reply:
October 10th, 2010 at 5:18 pm
I really try to make my two older ones be kind to each other, but man, there’s nothing quite like sibling rivalry!

[Reply]

« previous | next »

Bullyhood

Comments

51 Responses to “Bullyhood”

Leave a Reply

Get ‘Pants in your Inbox

Fan the Pants!

Recent Posts

Search me!

Archives

Categories